


Here, Come in Close

by catthulhu



Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Alternate POV, Angst, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, I finally broke down and wrote a ssss fic, Lalli lets me live out all my autistic feelings, M/M, Missing Scene, Slow Burn, almost totally canon compliant but I messed up the beginning of the timeline, also we don't get enough emilalli content with a Lalli POV, and I refuse to go back and fix it, let Lalli cry, no new major character death, starts about page 750 and goes through the end of adventure 1, warning is just to be safe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 25,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28165893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catthulhu/pseuds/catthulhu
Summary: This started as a hurt/comfort one shot, but it's escalated into an exploration of Lalli's POV from page 750 onward.
Relationships: Lalli Hotakainen & Tuuri Hotakainen, Lalli Hotakainen/Emil Västerström
Comments: 32
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Here, come in close, wear me like a winter jacket_  
>  _What do we know but this?_  
>  _Hold out your hands, I'll breathe on them and place mine over_  
>  _What do we have but this?_  
>  -Come In Close by Joseph

Lalli was cold. Cold and numb. He kneeled by the approaching waves, hands in shaking fists, chest trembling. The sea crashed and breathed in echoes that washed over Lalli’s ears, penetrating into his mind, so clouded and screaming and empty. Each new wave threatened to break him.

He’d seen the swan. Sensed it. A punch, a stab to the chest. He found the footprints. Her footprints.

 _“Please help!!”_ It was all he could manage to scream, his voice taut and raspy as he sprinted towards the shoreline, faster than he had ever run before, or so he hoped. He needed his voice for his prayers. Tuuri needed him.

Lalli followed Tuuri’s tracks. She’d made no effort to hide them; ironically it was the easiest tracking he’d done in weeks. Dirt turned to damp sand, and Tuuri’s footprints faded into half-washed imprints of her presence as the waves rolled in. He didn’t know how long he'd stood there emptily before falling to his knees.

Now, Lalli forced himself to his feet, feeling a weakness in his legs that only came after long days of scouting on a few hours of sleep. The others caught up with him, full of panting and loud footsteps. He expected them to be loud and irritating, as always, but none of them said a word. Even the stupid Icelander remained silent.

Their silence was worse. The silence was like the waves.

Lalli turned back to look at them, keeping his face carefully steady. He couldn’t read any of their expressions, but that was the norm. He could sometimes understand what the Swede was thinking if he thought about it for a moment. But now Lalli just saw four blank faces staring at him.

The ocean was _so loud._

Something changed in the captain’s expression. Her focus shifted past Lalli and he spun around. There, in the distance, something bobbed.

Lalli let out a cry, not bothering to use words.

He dashed into the waves, stripping off his jacket and sweater, pushing against the incoming tide. The water should have sent shockwaves up his legs into his body. But he kept walking.

The surf was wide; several meters and the water was only just climbing up Lalli’s thighs. _How far did you have to walk?_

Splashing behind him made Lalli stop and turn. The captain passed him readily, stripped down to her thermals, eyes trained on the lump now no more than ten meters away. Lalli stood frozen as she swam out to Tuuri, wrapped an arm around her chest, and turned to swim back to shore.

The sea locked Lalli’s muscles with cold and beat against his skull with its relentless roaring.

The captain climbed to her feet, jaw set, dragging Tuuri’s floating corpse on the shallowing surf. She said something to Lalli, but he didn’t hear, even if he could have understood. He couldn’t do anything but watch. The captain passed him, still talking. Tuuri didn’t look peaceful, and Lalli felt as if his head was going to burst.

The captain let go of Tuuri’s body and turned back to reach for Lalli. Lalli flinched away from her touch and dived for Tuuri’s corpse. He crouched in the surf, clutching her protectively. The sea couldn’t take the rest of her. He had this one thing.

A few softer words came out of the captain’s mouth, and she gestured toward the shoreline.

 _I know where we’re going,_ thought Lalli. _I’m not stupid. It’s my job to know where we’re going._

The wind sent daggers of chill into Lalli’s bones as they emerged from the water, and his teeth chattered.

_I didn’t know where she was going._

The Swede darted forward and helped drag Tuuri’s body onto dry land. Lalli crouched next to her, shivering, finally able to clutch his hands over his ears.

But under his palms he still heard the ocean.

The big Dane crouched on the other side of Tuuri and caught Lalli’s eyes. Lalli didn’t particularly like the Dane, but no more than he didn’t like any of the others. Well, he liked him better than the Icelander. But there was something in the man’s eyes that made Lalli nod and look away.

The Dane picked Tuuri up as if she were a little child, said something to the crew, and began walking back towards the camp.

Lalli wanted to follow. He wanted to follow Tuuri, and she was with the rest of the crew. But he couldn’t bring himself to move. He shut his eyes tight and tried to force out the crashing, the crashing, the crashing. His teeth chattered harder, eventually lapsing into stillness while the rest of him shivered and his skin turned numb. He could catch up later. Later, when he could move again.

Lalli recoiled inwardly at a gentle touch on his shoulder, though he couldn’t bring himself to react physically. Pity, it would have been nice to have something propel him to his feet. Lalli managed to open his eyes and he saw the Swede huddled in front of him, bright blue eyes shrouded under furrowed eyebrows. Lalli shut his eyes again.

Emil brought up other feelings, feelings he didn’t have time to have right now. Lalli had always been like that; it took him days or even weeks to know how he felt about the simplest things. Complicated things took even longer.

Emil was complicated.

Lalli jumped and opened his eyes again when he felt something drape across his shoulders. He sprung to his feet; the blood rushed to his head and briefly clouded his vision as Emil came back around to face Lalli. Emil’s frame was broader than Lalli’s, and now his coat enveloped Lalli’s shoulders in a defensive blanket of warmth. Lalli took his hand away from his ears to adjust the coat and was immediately assaulted by the roaring of the sea. His hands snapped back up to his ears. Tears stung his eyes.

 _No, no, no,_ he thought.

The dumb Swede said something. Lalli shook his head, even though or perhaps he didn’t understand. Emil repeated the same phrase, a little louder this time, and when Lalli looked up to meet Emil’s eyes he saw him holding his hands out towards Lalli, palms up, and an earnest look on his face. Lalli watched him. He couldn’t have done much else; his body was locked in place and only time or panic would release it.

Slowly, carefully, Emil reached out and placed his arms around Lalli. Lalli was ready for his skin to crawl at the touch, almost preemptively slid away, but he let Emil envelop him. Emil embraced Lalli tightly and Lalli sunk into his touch. Slowly Lalli felt more and more of the Swede’s warmth against his body, and then he felt the ground under his feet, then the wind in his damp hair, the sting in his cold fingers. Lalli’s breathing, which he hadn’t even noticed becoming irregular, grew steady. His shoulders dropped and he buried his nose in Emil’s shoulder.

Emil said something else, but Lalli still held his hands over his ears. The overwhelm had passed, but the sound of the ocean would still hurt him, differently now, and he did not want to listen. When he kept things quiet he could swear he could hear Tuuri’s footsteps on the wet sand, the sound of her splashing into the waves.

Emil placed a hand on Lalli’s. Lalli looked up to meet his eyes. He didn’t usually like to look anyone in the eye, but Emil was one of the few people Lalli didn’t mind. Emil tightened his grip on Lalli’s hand, but didn’t move it—the message was clear all the same. Lalli shook his head. Emil kept talking. Emil glanced at the ocean and back towards the camp. Lalli knew. They would have to follow soon, or the others would worry. It was not useful when others worried.

He should have worried.

A shiver ran through Lalli, and Emil hastily wrapped his coat tighter around Lalli’s thin shoulders. He got a strange look on his face and dashed off. Lalli was able to turn and watch him; Emil dashed towards the waves and picked up Lalli’s deposited clothes from where they lay half-drenched in the sand. He seemed triumphant upon his return and Lalli felt a stort of levity that almost helped him feel nothing.

Emil’s face morphed into concern again. He placed firm hands on Lalli’s shoulders and babbled something in Swedish, but this time Lalli could feel Emil coaxing him, reassuring him despite the language barrier. Lalli’s hands relaxed and he tentatively uncovered his ears.

The physical pain at the sound of the waves was gone, but still with every crash the feeling of being washed in tepid water returned, stronger and stronger. Lalli moved to cover his ears, eyes shut tight, but he stopped when Emil reached up and held Lalli’s face in his hands.

Emil said something. Lalli wished he could understand.

There was a moment of silence, and a large breaker broke in a whoosh and a boom. Another shiver shoved its way from Lalli’s calves up to the top of his head.

And Lalli cried.

It was slow at first, painful in its own right, but Lalli could not stop it. He was ashamed to be crying, to be crying in front of this Swede, to be neglecting his duties as mage and scout. He was ashamed that he didn’t notice Tuuri was infected, that he let Tuuri get hurt in the first place. He was ashamed that he thought learning other languages was a waste of time because Tuuri was there and scouting didn’t take much talking anyway. He was ashamed that they had brought Tuuri’s body up on the shore and he had done nothing.

Eventually the tears culminated into convulsive sobs that erupted from Lalli like the cries of a troll. Emil hugged him again, a little stiffer this time, but Lalli welcomed the touch now. He felt as if he would simply float away if Emil hadn’t been there holding him down.

Either Lalli’s weeping brought about exhaustion, or the exhaustion he already had brought an end to his weeping. He stood with his runny, snotty face buried in Emil’s shoulder as Emil held him tightly in the sands of the Silent World. Lalli took a deep, shaky breath.

He had to make sure Tuuri made it to Tuonela. There was work to be done.

Lalli stood up straight and wiped his eyes and his nose. Lalli noticed the Swede showed a marked lack of displeasure at the dampness on his shoulder. Emil asked Lalli a question and nodded back towards the camp. Lalli breathed deeply and nodded in return.

Emil started walking up the beach, but Lalli lingered. He turned back to look at the ocean, its ceaseless movement, and felt the stabbing in his heart shift into a throbbing ache. He uttered a quick prayer for the safe passage of Tuuri’s soul. She would have peace once she was there.

Lalli turned to walk back to camp and saw that Emil had also stopped and was watching him. It took just a few steps for Lalli to catch up, though he kept himself a few paces behind as they walked.

After they had walked into the forest, Emil stopped. Lalli stopped too, concentrating suddenly on his senses, snapped into alertness, watching and listening for signs of trolls. Emil did not seem alarmed, though. He closed the distance between himself and Lalli, reached out, and took Lalli’s hand. Emil gave it a squeeze, tight, but not too tight. After that he let go and continued walking. Lalli clenched and unclenched his hand. The warmth of the Swede's fingers lingered.

Lalli continued walking back to camp. Turri would not be trapped. He would make sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first Stand Still, Stay Silent fic! It's about time. I actually sat down to write something based off Curses by The Crane Wives, but Emil's POV just doesn't come to me easily. So we got angst of a different flavor.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _These quiet words, they carry me away_  
>  _Returning_  
>  _They keep coming back_  
>  _In idle thoughts and hollow cutaways_  
>  _Disarm me_  
>  -I Will Fail You by Demon Hunter

Lalli followed Emil into the camp. The warmth had somewhat returned to his body, Emil’s coat still wrapped around him, but his chest felt like a yawning cavity. Lalli didn’t usually feel very much. But this was a different kind of not-feeling, one that made him want to tear his hair out and scream until every troll in the region heard him.

Tuuri was laid out on a blanket a small distance from the truck, and the captain was crouched down next to her, drying the girl’s face and hands. A shiver ran up Lalli’s spine. Tuuri looked so cold. Her half-damp hair stuck out at awkward angles in an exaggeration of her usual puffball appearance. Lalli approached the body, bent down, and ruffled Tuuri’s hair. It was a gesture he’d never done before. Lalli didn’t like touching other people when he didn’t have to. This was an exception.

The Dane said something quietly. The captain answered less quietly. Lalli ignored them both and continued staring at Tuuri’s still face for several more moments. He should feel sad. He should be crying and cursing the gods. But the harsh cold of drenching saltwater seemed to have dried and absorbed all feeling from him.

The others continued speaking, in hushed voices that tickled the inside of Lalli’s ears. He shook his head to try and get the sound out, shutting his eyes tight once more. He could feel their eyes on him. The emptiness in his chest made Lalli feel see-through, as if he had disappeared entirely. That would have been preferable.

Lalli opened his eyes and stood up. “We should do what we can for the body.” He wasn’t sure why he spoke. They didn’t understand him. Only Tuuri had understood. He’d depended on her so much.

_Stupid._

“Once that’s done I will ensure her spirit reaches Tuonela.”

The rest of the crew stared at him and Lalli wished he could make them all shut their eyes for just one minute. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to figure out how he was feeling, if he was feeling anything at all.

_Maybe I’m not feeling anything. Maybe the gods have blessed me and taken away my heart._

Tuuri would have slapped him for that.

The captain barked out a command that made the rest of the crew jump. Lalli thought he caught tears in Emil and the Icelander’s eyes, and he felt furious flame rise in his chest without warning. The crew dispersed immediately and Lalli stood next to Tuuri, watching the stillness in her face, as if he might catch a glimpse of movement if he simply didn’t blink.

 _This isn’t useful,_ thought Lalli.

Lalli unceremoniously deposited Emil's coat on the ground and briskly walked away.

Lalli felt the Swede’s eyes on him as he made his way into the forest. He thought he knew which way home was, but he wasn’t sure, and he had no way of asking anyone, even if they knew. Lalli’s inability to keep his bearings only fueled the burning he felt as he climbed up a pine tree.

The stripping of the branches pulled Lalli back into his body and brought rhythm to his breathing. The upper branches were easy. Lalli methodically cut off the ones that were directly above him as he descended, taking time to labor on the thicker limbs as he grew closer to the ground. He was able to shut out the feeling of the crew’s eyes drifting to him on occasion; it was only him and the karsikko he formed under his hands.

About one-third of the way off the ground, Lalli paused to sit on one branch facing the tree. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

_“Do you think they’ll ever find a way beyond?”_

_“Mm… If someone comes and guides them. Otherwise, I don’t know.”_

_“Yeah, I thought so.”_

Lalli snorted and shut out the morning's memory. He couldn't help that Tuuri anymore. Lalli held his knife firmly in his fist and began stripping away the bark of the tree, revealing the tender, pale flesh beneath. Once he was satisfied with the amount of exposed space, Lalli wedged the knifepoint into the wood and began carving a simple set of runes.

_Go. Have peace. Rest._

Lalli swallowed the lump in his throat, lips firmly pressed together. He descended further, removing the branches as he went, stopping occasionally to clear the bark and mark his message, his hands harsh against the pale wood.

He had failed Tuuri before. He would not do it again. This was his last chance to help her. He would see her to the other side.

Sometimes, when villages and their mages grew lazy, they would not be thorough in their karsikko markings, which inevitably led to souls getting lost, and if the worst should happen… The deceased villagers might as well be without a mage.

This was the most elaborate karsikko Lalli had ever made. If Tuuri was lost, she would not be for long.

Lalli’s feet touched down onto the rocky earth near the tree and he removed the final branches. The crew had approached with hardly a word; now they gathered the branches Lalli had removed and placed them in a pile near Tuuri. Lalli could feel them watching him again, but he cared a little less now. He inscribed the runes all around the base of the tree, a little lower than his eye level—if Tuuri did get lost (and she would not,) Lalli wanted her to be unable to miss the directions he gave her.

Another shiver danced up Lalli’s spine and he shut his eyes. He hoped Tuuri had moved on. He did not want to have to face her disembodied soul. He did not want to have to see another part of her deceased; her body was enough.

The crew supplemented the pile with what wood they could find from the surrounding area. The trees were plentiful, and the approaching spring revealed the branches that had been buried by snow until recently. Damp wood did not bode well, but it would serve for their purposes.

Once a sufficient bier was built, the captain, Emil, and the big Dane all surrounded Tuuri and placed her gently atop the pyre. The captain pushed Tuuri’s damp hair back and stepped away.

Emil picked up a jug and looked at Lalli. Lalli was too exhausted to read Emil’s expression, so he simply snarled slightly and looked away. The captain said something to Emil, and Emil began pouring gasoline around and then over Tuuri’s body. Tuuri’s wet clothes soaked up what fluid they could. Her face glistened eerily. Lalli clenched and unclenched his fists and shifted back and forth on his feet. This was not how it was supposed to be. None of this was how it was supposed to be. Everything had been wrong from the start.

The captain sidled up to Lalli and held out a small packet. Matches. Lalli took them from her, feeling the worn cardboard in his cold fingers.

Lalli took out a match. He stared at it. He wanted to bury Tuuri. Onni would want to bury Tuuri. But there was no time. There was never time. They had never been given enough time, from the time they were all very young. Lalli had not had enough time before he started training; he, Tuuri, and Onni had not had enough time before they fled Saimaa; they had not had enough time together at Keuruu.

And now there would never be enough time.

Lalli lit the match, a little clumsier than he wanted, but it still caught in one strike. Lalli tossed it on the pyre and it instantly whooshed into flames, obscuring what was left of Tuuri’s physical form.

The Icelander started crying, loudly. Lalli breathed deeply to keep himself from fighting with the idiot for the second time that day.

And in the middle of his careful, deep breathing, something caught in Lalli’s chest. That had only been this morning. The Icelander had lost his mind for a moment and yelled at Lalli, and… Lalli’s eyes stung.

They all stood like that for some time. Lalli wished he could have lost himself entirely in the flames, but he was painfully aware of the hour that passed. There wasn’t enough wood to truly burn Tuuri’s body; they’d all known that. As soon as the flames just began to die, the captain moved to the pile of stones the crew had assembled with Lalli wasn't looking. She began building a base around the pyre; Emil followed suit. The air was a putrid mixture of the scent of burning flesh and hair and fiber. The medic had a shovel that he used it to pile earth gently on top of Tuuri, slowly extinguishing what was left of the rapidly dying fire.

Over the next ten minutes they created a haphazard marker and grave. The captain sent the Icelander inside, who clutched tearily at the stupid cat, which relived them all of his blubbering.

Lalli wandered away and returned to the karsikko. He traced the runes with his fingers and extended his senses into the area around them. There was no sign of Tuuri. That was good. She'd probably made it.

Lalli balled one hand into a fist and leaned his head on it. The scent of pine enveloped his senses; he closed his eyes and breathed deep.

Lalli abruptly slammed both fists against the bare tree, as if he could rattle the roots of the world if he hit hard enough. The nearby crew was quiet, but Lalli felt as if he could still hear their breathing. _Stupid._ They were all stupid. They couldn’t even avoid a hoard. Lalli slid to his knees and took another deep breath. Then, shakily, he breathed out and sang as softly as possible.

_I am a runoilija_  
_I was brave, for my people_  
_For myself_  
_I gathered knowledge to my smile, for my people_  
_For myself_  
_But now I cannot go home_

_Gather me in your arms_  
_Tunonen tytti, transport me_  
_Tuoni, greet me warmly_  
_I will rest now_  
_For my people_  
_For myself_

“Lalli, kom igjen!” The captain called out, probably summoning him. Lalli turned and gestured for them to leave. He had to stay.

“LALLI!”

Lalli let out a sharp sigh and turned back to face the crew.

“G-gå!” He summoned what little Swedish he knew and returned to his prayers. He would fight them all to stay, but for now he had work to do.

After a moment, he heard the approach of the Dane and felt a hand on his shoulder. Lalli leapt up, hissing slightly at the unexpected and unwanted touch, and faced the big man, ready to dodge out of his grasp once more.

“Leave me alone! You people can’t make me come with you.” The bigger man's face was impassive. Lalli swallowed the lump in his throat. “I have to stay. I need some time to make sure that she didn’t get lost.”

Lalli tensed as the captain and Emil approached. His heartbeat sped up and he clenched his fists; they couldn’t make him go. He had to stay.

They all stared at him. Why were they always staring? Lalli planted his feet as the captain and Emil chattered away. Slowly he relaxed his hands. They weren't going to try and force him, at least not now.

As Lalli half-listened, the forest suddenly grew large and looming around him. He couldn’t communicate with any of these people, let alone be actually understood by them.

Lalli was alone.

Amid the noise of Norwegian and Swedish, the Dane stepped forward and removed something from his pocket. He held out a watch to Lalli. Lalli’s heart leapt.

It was almost 11 o’clock. Lalli pointed to the 1. The Dane nodded and replaced the watch before turning to the captain and Emil.

The captain did not seem to appreciate Lalli’s answer, or at least the Dane's translation, but Lalli didn’t care. He was pleased they’d found a way to get the point across, though Lalli wasn’t sure it was worth it if the captain would still make such a fuss.

Whatever the crew did next, Lalli did not pay attention. He returned to his vigil at the karsikko. He did not move, thinking and muttering his prayers. The emptiness and fire had been replaced by something smaller and colder.

Lalli prayed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a little difficult to write; for some reason it just didn't come out very easily. I'm still not totally happy with it, but there are better chapters ahead!
> 
> There's a lot more Finnish mythology this time around. I did a little bit of research, but if you notice something out of line, please let me know! There are some purposeful variations or specifications that I imagined would come into being when a religion is revived after a long period of time, but I don't want to be disrespectful, either.
> 
> I wasn't quite sure what to do for Lalli's runo for Tuuri. From what I read, runos were often ways of chronicling history and were improvised, so I decided maybe a prayer and a little glimpse of who Tuuri was would help guide her to Tuonela.
> 
> The shippy stuff will be back next chapter, don't worry ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Tell me it's a good start_  
>  _I'm a good heart_  
>  _And this might turn us back around_  
>  _Tell me that the rain will fall_  
>  _That this garden wall_  
>  _Will see us grow up out the ground_  
>  -Tell Me There's a Garden by Joseph

Lalli breathed deeply. In, then out. In, then out. He leaned against Tuuri’s karsikko, the bark of the tree digging into his hands, rendering the exposed skin of his fists numb as the sky grew overcast. Lalli believed that Tuuri had moved on; her spirit could not have gotten too far. But he had to be sure. Lalli pressed the knuckles of his thumbs into his forehead; the pressure carried him through his mind into his hands and into the wood of karsikko he leaned against.

Breathing. In, then out.

Though his eyes had remained closed, Lalli knew it had been a little more than an hour since he had begun his vigil. Occasionally his breathing would grow haggard, unbidden, or his throat would tighten, or his eyes would grow tight under their lids.

Breathing. In, then out.

Grandma had taught him that.

Lalli tightened his fists. He whispered runo for Tuuri, but found himself slipping into words for his grandmother, his parents, everyone in his village… Lalli felt a sharp twinge in his chest. He hoped they weren’t lost. Surely the mages who assisted in the cleaning of the village guided them all. It would be sloppy and lazy for them to destroy the bodies but leave the souls behind.

Lalli opened his eyes and let his gaze drift over to the pile of earth and stone that entombed Tuuri’s body. A ray of sunlight broke through the deepening clouds, illuminating each individual rock like a precious jewel. Nearby the tank stood dead, and at the front Emil leaned lazily against the exterior. Lalli had sensed the Swede had stayed, but Lalli was still surprised to see him.

Lalli returned to his vigil. Breathing in, then out.

Weeping had always been foreign to Lalli. Even back then, when he’d waited those numb, anxious days with Onni and Tuuri, he hadn’t cried. Onni always cried, but Lalli knew he kept it down as best he could. It probably made him feel like he was helping Lalli and Tuuri. Lalli didn’t care. Tuuri cried some, too, but mostly she just stared into space.

The wandering was unbidden this time; Lalli yanked his thoughts back to his runo, forcing himself to concentrate on the image of Tuuri’s face.

_Ukko, Isäinen,_  
_Guide your child home_  
_Home to her waters of rest_  
_She has earned her rest_

There’d been no other way for it to end, from the moment Tuuri was injured. He’d known that, deep down. But Lalli had ignored that fact until the last moments. Maybe he’d thought he could stop the inevitable if he just didn’t think about it.

Maybe he was more like Onni than he thought.

The day had gone by so fast Lalli could hardly keep up. Under his litany of runo he ran through the events of the day. Lalli let his mind split among the feel of the earth under his shins, the words on his lips, and his mind turning over each moment leading up to this one.

The tank had caught fire. Then the Swede had dragged Lalli into a ruin for supplies (supplies that Lalli thought were mostly useless,) and the useless Swede hadn’t stopped babbling the entire time, as if he was trying to drive Lalli into speaking.

If that was the goal, it had certainly worked.

Lalli might have regretted some of what he said if Emil could understand him—but he didn’t. Besides, it was true. Despite the language barrier, a twisting feeling deep in Lalli’s stomach told him that there was an even bigger rift between them, one that would swallow Emil if he tried to bridge it. Smiling did not come so easily to those who have suffered. Smiling was a blessing, ones the gods had not chosen to give him.

Lalli tightened his fists once more. Breathing in, then out.

It was a gift the gods had withheld once again.

_I have travelled far_  
_Exiled from home_  
_Leaving home_  
_I was brave and wily_  
_That I might know_  
_That my people might know_

Lalli suddenly wondered if Onni knew. He might not. But Lalli suspected he did. It had been just the three of them for so long; they were all bound with a myriad of cords unseen.

Maybe that had been the first mistake—leaving Onni behind. Or not staying. Lalli exhaled harshly and shifted his weight. Tuuri would have never stayed; she would have left on this stupid expedition on her own even if Lalli had decided to remain in Keuruu. And Onni wouldn’t have gone either way.

Lalli licked his lips, felt the edge of his teeth scrape his tongue. He was the only thing between Tuuri and the monsters, and he’d failed to protect her.

_Stupid. They were both very, very stupid._

Suddenly Lalli felt the Swede’s bright blue eyes on his back. Lalli clenched his eyes shut and muttered his prayers a little louder. They were likely still too quiet for Emil to hear at this distance, but Lalli didn’t want him getting any ideas.

Lalli intentionally felt into the area for any sign of Tuuri. He hadn’t sensed her since the beach; that was good.

Breathing. In, then out.

It began to rain.

Lalli sat exposed at the base of the bare pine tree as his clothes once more became saturated with water. Droplets ran down his face and back, but Lalli did not move. He could feel confident Tuuri had moved on soon, but not yet. It was his last moment to do something for her.

_Guide her home_  
_Bless her soul_  
_Henki, sacred_  
_Luonto, cunning_  
_Itse, bright_

_Bind them together and_  
_Guide her home_  
_Sunk into the waters_  
_Peacefully_

Tuuri had always been the one who got along with others best. Mages weren’t always good at making friends anyway, and Onni and Lalli had never been especially outgoing. Lalli found most people too stupid and unpredictable and too… _loud._

That was one part of why Tuuri learned so many languages. The other parts were that she liked learning and was disgustingly good at picking up other languages, but she was always eager to talk to the visitors to Keuruu and hear stories about the other countries.

Lalli’s heart suddenly ached for his own bunk back in Keuruu.

Lalli guided his thoughts back to Tuuri and her spirit, willing it towards Tuonela. A final exploration for her, then rest. Lalli liked the thought of that. The muscles in his face released just a fraction.

The rain soaked Lalli to the skin, at first making him shivering cold, until his body adapted and he passed into a comfortable numbness.

Breathing in, then out.

Lalli sniffed against the cold. The rain made him feel gradually at home in his skin once more, cut clarity through the fuzziness in his head. He was a mage. This was his job. He was doing his duty for Tuuri. After this, he would return to the crew and be their scout, see them safely to the extraction point. And then…

And then?

Breathing in, then out.

Lalli didn’t know what came next.

Breathing. In, then out. The earth supporting him. The dampening wood against his hands and arms. The feeling of his steaming breath swirling between his body and the trunk of the tree.

Onni would be there, probably. When they got back. Or rather, when they got to Iceland. Then they would go back to Keuruu, Lalli supposed. He wasn’t sure. Onni would want to go back.

Lalli frowned deeply to himself. Did he want to go back?

Breathing in, then out.

_Do not let her linger_  
_Metsän väki_  
_This is not her home_

_Do not let her wander_  
_Veden väki_  
_Direct her to rest_  
_Puun väki_

Lalli was no stranger to insurmountable change. He’d learned early on not to hold on too tightly to the things you couldn’t be completely sure of, and to be ready to let go of the things you _thought_ you were sure of.

But Lalli had never really been alone, not like this. Grandma had always been there, and after her, Onni and Tuuri. Now Tuuri was gone. It was as if the strand of a spider’s web had been broken, snapping the tension in one direction and marring the delicate pattern.

Lalli always kept a close eye on change. But it had never occurred to him to instigate it.

What lay ahead for him other than Keuruu?

_I am a runoilija_  
_I was brave, for my people_  
_For myself_  
_I gathered knowledge to my smile, for my people_  
_For myself_  
_But now I cannot go home_

_Gather me in your arms_  
_Tunonen tytti, transport me_  
_Tuoni, greet me warmly_  
_I will rest now_  
_For my people_  
_For myself_

Lalli took one last deep breath. He sat up straight, eyes still closed. He extended his senses as far as they would go, feeling for Tuuri amid the pouring rain.

Nothing.

She was safely at rest in Tuonela.

Lalli climbed to his feet, surprised at how weary he felt. The Swede had laid down in the truck, legs half-exposed and half-drenched with rain. His eyes were closed and he didn’t stir as Lalli approached. Lalli kicked his foot and Emil lifted his head, eyes quizzical.

“We can go now. She found her way.” Lalli didn’t know why he said it, Emil wouldn’t understand him, but the words passed thickly by his lips nonetheless.

“Går vi nu?”

Lalli kept walking, blinking against the rain. He didn’t want to look at Emil right now. They had to catch up with the others. Lalli felt as if was leaving a portion of his flesh in the little clearing, scattered like mincemeat around the mound of earth they left behind.

But he did not turn to look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not really an extended piece of my writing if there isn't an entire chapter of a character just... thinking.
> 
> As with the previous chapter, any Finnish mythology comes from my own basic internet research, so if something's not right, please let me know!
> 
> We all know what comes in the next chapter ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Flint to steel_  
>  _I strike my own light_  
>  _Even if it's not quite as bright_  
>  _I'll still be cold tonight_  
>  _But I know I'm alive_  
>  -Shivers by Joseph

Lalli followed the trail of the wheelbarrow and the three varied sets of footprints that accompanied it. The others had gotten a head start, and though the Swede did not move very quickly, they would be caught up by the time darkness fell.

The rain still fell, a gentle, rapping echo in the stillness of their current corner of the Silent World. Lalli allowed his eyes to glaze over as he walked, letting himself fall into the rhythm of his own feet.

And then the _thwomp thwomp thwomp_ of another rhythm interrupted him.

Lalli had left Emil to follow behind—it was practical and protocol. Lalli was the scout, after all. But the dumb Swede had shouldered his bag and rushed to catch up to Lalli. Lalli glanced over. Emil’s face was still and soft as he walked, immaculate hair plastered down by the rain, and Lalli wondered briefly what thoughts wandered through Emil's mind.

Lalli sighed quietly. He couldn’t have Emil next to him like that. He was loud and a distraction. Lalli had to stay ahead to watch for monsters and other dangers. It would not be useful to either of them if Emil’s clumsiness attracted the attention of a threat bigger than they could handle.

Lalli dashed ahead without warning, putting some fifteen feet between himself and Emil. He slowed back to a walk—he didn’t want to get too far ahead—and, without thinking, glanced back at Emil.

Lalli caught Emil’s bright eyes turned quizzical, and Lalli felt a spark of something. Lalli didn’t know what, but this feeling was different than the other times when he looked at Emil. Lalli let out another abrupt sigh. He didn’t like having more feelings to sift through. It took too long.

They continued walking, following the tracks that followed the road.

Lalli thought maybe he was angry at Emil. If he was, he didn’t know why. Emil was irritating, but Lalli couldn’t trace his feelings back to a particular moment like he usually could when he was upset. He had plenty of other things to be upset about before he wasted energy being mad at the blond Swede.

Lalli’s mind drifted back to that moment on the beach. In truth, he wanted Emil to hold him like that again. In those excruciating minutes when Lalli’s body refused to obey the commands he gave, Emil provided the exact grounding Lalli needed. Lalli fought down an unexpected shiver. Maybe he was irritated at the Swede for not offering that comfort again. This thought brought Lalli some small sense of relief. If that was what he was feeling, then he knew the feeling was silly and he could leave it aside.

The rain grew colder and denser as they walked, turning eventually to sleet, and then to snow. Lalli pulled his hood up and nestled down into his collar. The cold didn’t usually get to him, though the reduced visibility was an annoyance.

The snow blew in cartwheeling flurries caught in narrow streets and alleys. Lalli still kept his distance several meters ahead of Emil. The weather was on their side—the cold would keep the trolls sleeping deep in their nests.

There was a crack, then a crash. Lalli turned around sharply to see a surprisingly large hole in the road behind him, from which a winded voice called out,

“Jag mår bra.”

Lalli moved swiftly back to the hole. Emil muttered something else, but Lalli wasn’t sure if he intended the words for himself or Lalli. Lalli peered over the edge and stared down at Emil. He was already finding his way to his feet, his limbs sprawled and twisting around a mess of decrepit pipes that apparently lay under the road. Emil looked up at Lalli, eyes rounded in an expression Lalli didn’t quite recognize.

“Gå inte någonstans utan mig. Snälla du?”

Lalli fought back a frustrated sigh and turned back to look at the road. He wished he could understand the dumb Swede; maybe he’d talk a bit less if Lalli could talk back.

Emil continued babbling, but something else caught Lalli’s attention, prompting him to tune out the other boy entirely. Lalli concentrated on the dark space at the other end of the road.

He felt something in the shadows.

Something _big._

Lalli shielded his eyes against the snow and tried to get a glimpse of it, but by then Emil had made it out of the hole. He emerged, huffing and puffing, sounding but not looking irritated.

“Okej... vi kan... fortsätta nu. Det var verkligen—”

Lalli turned swiftly and placed his fingertips on Emil’s lips. He needed him to be quiet, _now._ Emil’s lips were surprisingly warm and his round blue eyes stared at Lalli in surprise. Lalli stared back, hoping he was communicating quiet and urgency. He turned Emil around and pushed him towards the nearby cross street, moving slowly and thankful for the soft snow to dampen their footsteps.

As they got out of sight, Lalli picked up speed, his heart hammering against his chest. Emil kept pace, glancing frequently at Lalli and at the tracks they left behind.

There was a small noise, almost like chirruping. Lalli tensed and did not look back. He grabbed Emil by the shoulders and shoved him around the next corner.

He felt the giant long before he heard it.

Lalli’s hand was already around Emil’s wrist when the creature burst from the building behind them. Lalli yanked Emil ahead as his legs automatically shifted into sprinting, not caring about the path just yet, he was just trying to get them _away_ and _safe._

On some level, it made sense. This might as well happen.

Lalli and Emil ran from the giant and the smaller beasts and trolls that accompanied it, towards open ground, towards sunlight. The giant was hard on their heels; Lalli felt its looming presence pulling after them in ravenous malevolence. The cold air burned in Lalli’s lungs. It felt good to run. The blood and adrenaline pumped through his body, making his fingertips tingle, and for the first time all day he felt _alive._

Lalli led them into a wide ray of sunlight and caught sight of an open stretch of snow ahead. They would still have problems—a giant would only be slowed by sunlight at best—but Lalli was eager for any advantage.

The clearing proved to be a frozen lake, and Lalli felt a wave of relief wash over him. The ice wouldn’t hold a creature that large for long. The sun wasn’t enough to let them get away, but freezing water would be.

Lalli lept nimbly onto the ice and continued running intently ahead. His eyes trained on the far side of the frozen water and his mind held to the horrific presence behind him.

“Lalli!”

Lalli skidded to a sudden stop and looked back. Emil’s foot had broken through the ice and he struggled to free himself. Fear rose like frost off the ice up Lalli's legs and towards his heart.

“Jag kan inte åka dit!”

Lalli growled to himself. He wished the damn Swede wouldn’t talk as if Lalli could understand him. He darted back towards Emil, grateful at the amount of distance they had already put between themselves and the giant.

“Det kommer inte att hålla mig.” Emil's voice was strangely calm, but even Lalli could see the panic in his eyes.

The giant was approaching too quickly. Lalli crouched in front of Emil without looking at him, eyes fixed on the massive creature approaching, casting dark shadows across the waterfront buildings. He concentrated on the feel of the ice beneath him, the wind swirling around him, the sun peering between dense snow clouds.

Lalli stood slowly and held out his hands, feet digging into the ice and snow as all prayers flew from his mind. He could only stare at the giant, eyes wide, overwhelmed by the darkness and rooted to the feeling of Emil, stranded in the ice next to him.

 _I have to protect him,_ thought Lalli.

It came closer.

_Gods. I can’t fail him, too._

It came closer. The head of skulls that once belonged to humans grew larger and larger. Lalli felt the power concentrate in front of him, felt his luonto by his side.

_Emil…_

Lalli breathed deeply. He shut his eyes and felt as if he had become a circle of wind, spinning rapidly, swirling from his feet up to his head and out of his hands. He felt the giant dissolving under his grasp, he felt massive, he felt every moment of heartbreak of the last months at once, from the moment they’d left Keuruu to the moment they left Tuuri’s grave behind. He felt empty and full all at once, his body absorbed into the elements that protected and guided him.

And then he was falling.

And falling.

And falling.

He felt himself hit the ice, felt Emil’s warm hands grabbing ahold of him, but he kept falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took all of my self control to not have them actually hold hands during this chapter, but unfortunately for all of us I believe in canon compliance (and also moving too fast would screw up my arc.)
> 
> We've finally hit the point where I must make the declaration that yes, I _am_ using google translate for any and all Swedish. Luckily most of Emil's dialogue in these segments isn't all that complicated, but like, the incomplete sentences require some big guessing on my part.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I thought I posted this chapter, but then it turned out I didn't? Anyways, this actually comes before the interlude, so any confusion is justified! So have a surprise chapter!

“Lalli! _Lalli!_ ”

Lalli was cold. Numbingly cold.

Again.

He floated, absorbed in swirling darkness, eyes wide open and body unable to move. He breathed slowly to keep himself calm. But, surprisingly, he was calm.

He felt at rest. All at once he felt so, so tired. Every moment of exhaustion he felt pulled on each limb with equal force, causing him to sink deeper and deeper.

Lalli’s brain shot into lucidity and he shook his head slightly—which was all he could manage. He was sinking.

Lalli’s heart pounded as he took in his surroundings. He seized control of his spectral body and forced himself upright. He was adrift in the dreamsea, away from his own dreamspace, and at the mercy of the creatures that lurked below. He had to find land.

He mentally cursed that he actually wished the Icelander would barge in on him this time.

Lalli fought his way to the surface and burst into the tepid air above the dreamsea. He looked around, surrounded by small lily pads, and tried to get a grasp on his surroundings.

There was nothing familiar, anywhere.

Lalli suddenly felt very alone and very small.

Lalli spread his senses out into the dreamsea, searching for any of the dark entities that prowled the dark depths. He also hoped he might find… something familiar. Somewhere safe. At the very least, land.

Something else caught his eye, though. A short distance away he could make out a warm light, hovering just above the water’s surface. Without thinking, Lalli began swimming towards it, and he felt strangely reassured despite the fact that he had no idea what this light was.

As Lalli approached the light solidified into a rectangular shape, which then clarified into an entrance. A hallway opened directly into the dreamsea, as if it floated peacefully atop the surface. Lalli swam up to it and hoisted himself onto the floor.

The hall was warm and lined with cabinets. A plush rug ran down the hallway. Lalli stood and began wringing out the fur cloak that always enfolded him in his dreams.

Voices from down the hallway sent Lalli pressing himself into the shadows of a large cabinet. When the voices continued, unalarmed, he slowly emerged and moved towards the warm light that emanated from further within the strange dream building. He came to an entranceway and peered around the corner.


	6. Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _This house says my name like an elegy_  
>  _Oh my, oh my_  
>  _Echoing where my ghosts all used to be_  
>  _Oh my, oh my_  
>  -Curses by The Crane Wives

Emil glared down at the delicate white tablecloth in front of him.

“I’m sorry Emil, your father won’t be making it home in time for supper tonight either.” Emil’s nanny looked grave and earnest, as always. She stood on the other side of the table that Emil sat at, alone.

“He has far too much work in need of his attention," she continued. "And you know how important his job is.” Her eyebrows arched together over the little round glasses she wore. Her appearance was hazy in general—she rarely came solidly into the picture in this dream—but a few details stood out at random.

“But you do know that doesn’t mean you’re any less important to him, don’t you?” she asked.

“Yeah yeah!” groaned Emil, leaning back in his chair. “Where’s my dessert cake? I’m _supposed_ to have one!” The muscles around his mouth tightened in irritation.

In the kind of single movement that dreams conjured, now Emil’s nanny held out a white cake topped with cream. One piece was missing, revealing bright, berry feeling between the layers. Emil scoffed.

“Not _that_ one! I already had it for breakfast!” Emil wished he’d experienced that part of the dream. The cake looked good.

Emil blinked and another cake replaced the previous one, this one frosted richly with chocolate. Emil’s mouth watered. It’d been so long since he’d had chocolate. Cocoa beans weren’t easy to come by in the Known World; they were one of many luxuries lost along with his family’s resources.

“Remember to put your dishes in the sink after you’re finished,” said the nanny, already halfway out of the room.

“I _KNOOOW,_ you don’t have to tell me _every time!_ ”

Finally alone, Emil took in the meal before him. Meatballs, fish, rolls, and cakes, and a number other stews and breads nearby ready for consumption. Emil began eating—he wasn’t sure what—when his mind’s eye yanked him over to the corner of the room where the entrance stood darkly shadowed. A familiar, thin figure, wrapped in an enormous fur cloak.

“What… what’s happened to _you?!_ And how are you here?” Emil’s heart flipped and his mind raced as he tried to distinguish dream from reality. He hadn’t met Lalli before the expedition, had he? He remembered hearing that your subconscious doesn’t actually make any faces up, that they’re all latent memory. Lalli had shown up in a couple other dreams, but something about this appearance felt _uncomfortably_ real.

“Nothing! And I don’t know!”

Lalli went to the couch and began removing his cloak, which was sopping wet for some reason. Emil thought he’d hung up all their clothes to dry by the fire already.

“You’re dreaming right now,” said Lalli. “Don’t start being weird.”

Clarity shot through Emil’s mind in an instant. This wasn’t his home. His home was gone. And he was far away from _any_ home.

“Oh, yeah, you’re right. I remember now. I meant to stand guard, but I must have fallen asleep.” He raised his eyebrows and shrugged. “I _really_ hope we don’t end up dead because of that. Nothing I can do about that now, though…”

Completely unbidden, the nanny appeared once again, and Emil’s eyes shot sharply towards her.

“Oooh, you’ve finally made a friend?” she crooned. “That is _marvelous!_ But he should probably go home soon, it’s getting late.”

Emil slammed his fists on the table, shaking the plates and silverware scattered across it. “Dad’s _said_ I’m allowed to have friends over _any time I want! OKAY!??_ ” Emil wasn’t sure if that ever actually happened. It probably did. It sounded like something his dad would say in passing.

The nanny looked a little abashed, but unconcerned. She never did. “Oh, okay! I did not know that. Have fun, you two!”

“Why do I even have a nanny, still? I’m old enough!” Emil grumbled.

He realized that, without bidding by his conscious or subconscious, Lalli had laid down on the couch behind him and curled up with a blanket. Lalli was strangely independent for a dream figure.

“I’m going to be staying here for some time.”

 _Okay,_ thought Emil. He didn’t really mind that.

“Until I find out how to get back where I belong.”

Now _that_ was confusing. Emil wasn’t exactly sure what Lalli was planning, but then again… that was pretty normal.

“Okay?” said Emil. He said the word like a question, but really it was a statement. Lalli could wander around in his dream as long as he liked as far as Emil was concerned.

Lalli settled into the nest he’d made, and Emil’s heart beat a bit faster. That was normal, too, though it’d only started happening recently. This kind of nervousness felt incredibly out of place in his childhood home, though.

“Uhh… do you… want some cake?” asked Emil, holding out a plate topped with a large slice. He wasn’t sure why he offered, but he did want a bit of an excuse to talk to this weird-dream-Lalli.

“No,” said Lalli, glancing over at Emil’s offering. He sat up and took the piece of cake off the plate and quietly devoured the intangible treat. Emil could tell Lalli was pleased. Months of communicating without language forced him to be adept at reading Lalli’s moods. Emil’s eyes wandered back to the rest of the food.

“I don’t mind you being here, at least it makes this tedious dream a bit different.”

He leaned forward and munched on a roll. It felt uncomfortably dry in his mouth.

“I have no idea what I’m supposed to do when I wake up…” He thought of himself and Lalli next to the fire he’d built. Would Lalli return to consciousness when Emil woke up?

Part of him, a part he didn’t like examining, wondered if this really was Lalli in his head. Emil didn’t know how that would work, but it would explain a few things, and well… Emil was having a hard time not believing in magic anymore. Which was something _else_ he didn’t have the time to stop and process amid the whole trying-desperately-to-stay-alive thing.

Emil wanted to feel anxious for them as they lay exposed gods know where in the Silent World, but he couldn’t quite manage it. He was enjoying this. He was warm and comfortable, and, gods, he could actually _talk_ to Lalli.

“There are buildings on fire. Over there.”

Emil glanced over. Lalli’s eyes were trained on the distant horizon, where bright flames licked up into the darkness. Lalli turned back to look at him.

“Oh, right,” said Emil. His heart always did a funny turn when he happened to glance at the ominous burning lighting the sky. “It’s a thing that happens. Ignore it, just don’t look over there and it’s fine.” Emil felt his brain grow fuzzy as he took another absentminded bite.

“You can take a nap if that’s what you wanted, this dream always ends long before the fire spreads here,” said Emil. He felt Lalli's eyes burning curiously into him, then felt his vision fade. A small amount of regret pulled at him that this particular dream was ending. He’d like it if Lalli appeared in more of his dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When it came down to it, Emil's POV came easier than it did before! We'll be switching back to Lalli's POV again, though. We want to know what he was thinking while he spent all that time in Emil's head!
> 
> I've run out of chapter buffer now, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll end up with more than nine chapters.
> 
> w h o o p s


	7. Chapter 7

Lalli’s surroundings faded into bright white fog, absorbing Emil, the food in front of them, and the large kitchen they’d been sitting in. Only the couch and its supply of blankets remained. Lalli felt alertness come to him, but it was not his own—he saw through Emil’s eyes, though he remained aware of his dreamscape surroundings as well. He also felt Emil’s panic and dismay, but distantly, as if Emil’s thoughts and emotions crashed on a shore just out of sight. Lalli saw himself lying under a single blanket by the cold remains of a fire. Emil reached out and softly slapped Lalli’s cheek several times, speaking desperately in Swedish, though Lalli could still understand every word.

“Please don’t do this! You were supposed to wake up.” Emil’s voice betrayed his anxiety.

Lalli shifted on the couch. He hadn’t actually expected to wake up. He was far from his own dreamspace, and such distance couldn’t be traversed so easily. And Lalli had no idea how to get back. He still felt a deep weariness in his bones, but he couldn’t sleep now. Emil would be useless on his own.

Emil sat back on his heels and ran his hand through his hair. Lalli could sense the movement, but not the sensation itself. For a moment Lalli thought he’d like to feel the softness of the Swede’s hair in the strange emptiness of Emil’s waking dreamspace.

“What can I even do now? We need to get back somehow,” Emil muttered.

Lalli felt Emil’s despair in the distance, tip toeing in like little cat feet. Lalli took his fur cloak into his lap and stroked it absently.

“Just start walking,” said Lalli with a sigh. “Stupid!”

He didn’t know how, but somehow, Lalli _knew_ that Emil would hear him. Surprise and a bit of fear darted through Emil’s mind as he shook his head. Emil glanced back at Lalli’s unconscious body, and Lalli felt a sliver of guilt in response to the hope that sprang up in Emil’s mind.

“Did… did you say something to me?”

Lalli paused before responding, unsure how he should continue to utilize this space in Emil’s head. It wouldn’t do either of them any good if he wrecked the man’s consciousness beyond recognition.

“No?” said Lalli hesitantly.

“That’s it then,” said Emil. “I’ve gone insane now too. Insane from worry.”

Lalli leaned back on the couch and sighed, though his own heart warmed with a silent chuckle. “If that’s what you want to tell yourself.”

Lalli had sensed Emil’s resolve growing weak in the face of the strange things they’d witnessed over the past months. Very little of it was especially strange to Lalli, but to a spoiled Swede? Lalli stared softly into his hazy surroundings. He supposed Emil’s confusion was justified.

Emil started to his feet, speaking reassuringly to himself once more. “But it’s right, I _have_ to get moving. It’s the only way.”

Emil made surprisingly efficient use of the materials available to him. Lalli watched from his strangely detached position as Emil put Lalli’s unconscious body onto a rug and attached what were once sheets to one end, creating a sort of primitive sledge that allowed Emil to simply drag Lalli’s body behind him. Lalli had to admit it was effective, though he was glad he was unconscious for this bit.

Of course, none of this would be happening if he wasn’t unconscious.

Emil paused just outside the house they’d been sheltering in, and Lalli sensed something pressing in on them both, coming into Emil’s mind from all sides, uniform and grey. Lalli fought the instinct to let his shoulders creep up towards his ears.

“How can I even do this?” asked Emil, staring at the almost picturesque ruins of this corner of Denmark.

“By not being pathetic,” said Lalli. He said it on instinct. Lalli grew suddenly frustrated at his own helplessness. Emil wouldn’t last a day without Lalli’s help. Lalli gripped at his cloak as his body tensed.

“Good advice, thanks,” said Emil, and he started up once more. Lalli couldn’t read the tone of his response.

“And be careful with my body!” said Lalli, pulling his legs up underneath him to sit a bit more comfortably. “I don’t want to wake up with a concussion.” He wasn't sure why he felt the need to double down on Emil. A part of him was still savoring the ability to be understood by him at all.

Confusion and anxiety still ran rampant through Emil’s head, but Lalli slowly sank back into his own thoughts. He had no idea how to get back into his own body. He’d never heard of anything like this. He had no way to contact Onni. There was a small, tiny, _miniscule_ chance the dumb Icelander would wander into Emil’s stupid, sleeping head, but… Lalli sighed.

Emil pulled himself and Lalli’s body towards the edge of the village, where he stopped in front of a collection of signs and removed a map from his jacket pocket. He spread it out across the ground, glancing repeatedly between it and the signs, face tensing into a deep frown. Lalli concentrated on what Emil’s eyes were seeing, though he only needed one glance to retain the information nearly worn off of the road signs.

“We’ve got to be somewhere around here,” said Emil. Lalli could tell he still wasn’t actually talking to him. This irritated Lalli a little bit, but he would deal with that later.

“That’s the road. I’m sure,” said Emil. Lalli felt the same impending feelings creeping in at the edges of Emil’s dreamscape—they never really left. The fog darkened around the little patch of dream Lalli sat in.

“We’ve drifted so far…” murmured Emil. He sat back on his heels. “Maybe we’ll be back at the meeting spot if we start going now. Would they wait for us?”

“No,” said Lalli. “They’ll think we’re dead. Only _stupid people_ would wait for someone they think is dead. Are they that stupid?” They needed to get moving. Lalli continued studying the map in front of Emil’s eyes, though the swirl of distress in Emil’s mind indicated that Emil himself wasn’t really looking at the maze of Old World roads.

“I suppose they’re not waiting,” said Emil quietly. He let out a little sigh. “In that case we should start walking directly towards the pickup spot. If I hurry we should make it in time.” He began folding up the map. “It’s decided then.”

Lalli shot to his feet, as if the movement would give him a better look at the map Emil had disregarded. “Wait!” he cried. “I wasn’t finished looking at that! Show me the map!”

Emil did not show Lalli the map. Instead he gawked at Lalli’s sleeping form, turned, and held the map out, facing away from himself and towards Lalli’s clearly still-unconscious body. Lalli wanted to scream and laugh at the same time. He settled for a frustrated sigh.

“Not that way, _idiot!_ Can’t you see my eyes are closed?”

Emil glanced around, clearly uncomfortable with Lalli’s direct address. He opened up the map and looked at it once more, and Lalli focused his senses into Emil’s eyes, drinking in every detail of the surrounding region. When he was finished Lalli closed his eyes and nodded, allowing his own thoughts to process what he saw.

“Okay. I’ve decided on our route. You can start walking now.”

Emil picked up the leads tied to the rug. “Now I’ll just have to be on the lookout for any troll nests on the way.”

“That’s _my_ job,” said Lalli, placing his hands meticulously in his lap. “You focus on moving your feet.” Lalli expanded his senses, beyond Emil’s shrouded mind, beyond the bounds of Emil’s body. He was still so, so tired, but he couldn’t just leave Emil to defend himself. To defend both of them.

“Okay, thanks?” said Emil, starting out on the long journey towards the pickup spot.

Uneasiness settled into the pit of Lalli’s stomach as Emil walked. He kept his senses vigilant; either being in Emil’s head dulled his awareness, the power he’d extended still had him weak, or…

Lalli squinted, filtering out the blunt, plain brightness of Emil’s dreamscape. He tried to think through how he’d gotten here, and still it made no more sense than the many, many other times he’d mentally examined each event leading to the present moment. A shiver ran down his spine. Lalli clutched at his knees, focusing on the feel of his soft leather leggings under his fingertips.

They’d entered a sizable field now. Lalli let himself relax slightly, letting Emil’s physical surroundings fade, focusing on his breathing. Breathing never felt quite the same on the dreamsea. It was as if Lalli was always breathing in more power than he was air, which did not have the same centering effect as in the physical world. But the motion was enough for now. He fell into the contemplative inner space he kept for himself; it was a place where he could sit down and untangle the confusing, knotted strands that his personal emotions always were.

Lalli was sad. He knew that. He had reason to be sad, so it wasn’t unexpected. The spot Tuuri occupied in his heart was twisted with grief and confusion. Lalli closed his eyes and drew his dream-breathing into a deep, steady rhythm. He let himself open, allowing his mind to turn and sift through the chaos that existed in his heart.

Lalli found ice-cold anger nestled into the little corners of his inner self, and it laid there, festering and sharp. He felt torn down through the middle. He’d always felt that way, that’s why he kept to himself. Tuuri was always chasing the next thing. Onni always lingered behind. Ever since he was small, Lalli had watched the world from a distance, eyes suspicious and distant. He was set apart by his abilities, yes, but there was more; he felt disconnected in ways he couldn’t articulate. He lived in an eternal sense that the world was too bright, too loud, and simply _too much_ to take in. Onni was better at overcoming his differences. He was stubborn, yes, but Onni always did what had to be done. Lalli drew his knees up to his chest. He opened his eyes and stared blankly into the hazy dreamspace.

Lalli had done what he needed to.

The hollow aching in his chest was simply a side effect.

“ _Jävlar._ ” Emil swore as he tripped and caught himself. Lalli’s focus was ripped outward once more; his heartbeat picked up slightly as he listened, body and soul, into their joint surroundings. There was nothing but the distant sensation of cold against Emil’s ears and nose and the steady huffing of Emil’s breath.

_Good._

Emil’s steps steadied once more. Lalli allowed himself to relax again, but still kept a fraction of his attention for the overgrown roads and paths Emil followed.

It seemed silly, in a way, that Lalli was stuck here. The dumb’s Swede’s head was open and nearby, and that was all it took for Lalli to crawl in and curl up on the couch. Lalli had never tried to visit a non-mage in the dreamspace—it wasn’t safe or fair to them, to have your head invaded when you didn’t even know it _could_ be invaded. But Lalli would rather be stuck in Emil’s head than alone and lost in the dreamsea.

Lalli wanted to hum softly to himself, the way he always did when he was upset. But Emil would hear it and Lalli did not want to distract him. Lalli settled for methodically clenching and unclenching his jaw.

Lalli hadn’t thought they’d live. At the very least, he hadn’t thought _he’d_ live. The way he felt, that power, the desperation—that sort of expenditure was not the kind mages recovered from. Lalli’s breathing grew a little quicker and he frowned. Maybe he was _supposed_ to lose himself in the dreamsea. The only reason he was alive was because of Emil. Emil and his stupid, vulnerable head.

Lalli listened to Emil’s breathing for a while, letting it lull him into a half-awake state as he kept watch for beasts and trolls. Lalli's jaw and hands relaxed over time until he sat peacefully on the couch.

Lalli had given everything to save Emil. There was no other option; he knew that even in that moment of adrenaline and chaos. But now Emil pulled Lalli’s body across the Silent World, allowed Lalli to rest as he needed inside his head, and fought back the constant fear that Lalli was now all too aware of. Discomfort nested in Lalli's chest. It was too much. Too much to ask of Emil. Lalli leaned forward to rest his chin on his knees and let out a sigh.

“Was that you?” asked Emil, breathless as he walked. Lalli’s head shot up and his heart pounded suddenly.

“What? No, just keep walking,” Lalli snapped. Emil hadn’t actually stopped walking. But he had to keep going, and Lalli was only of use if Emil was moving.

Lalli tried to steady his breathing again, but his heart still beat fiercely in his chest long after Emil had once more fallen silent.

Lalli did not understand why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have given up trying to guess how many chapters this fic will be. I was so caught up in the euphoria of Lalli's POV that for a minute I existed in a world where actual plot didn't exist.


	8. Chapter 8

Emil trudged through the recently fallen snow, panting heavily and head clouded with exhaustion. Lalli still remained upright and alert in Emil’s mind as they approached a town, knowing that there were far more creatures lurking in the shadows and around unseen corners. Emil’s eyes swept their surroundings, quick and deliberate.

“One of these buildings will have to do for shelter,” said Emil. He was tired. Lalli’s heart pinched in a bite of guilt that he muffled and smothered. He rubbed his palms together, grounding himself in the pressure. They wouldn’t be so far off track if Lalli had been better, more aware. If he’d protected Tuuri.

Emil paused in front of a larger house.

“This one looks like it’s in decent condition,” he said. He gazed up towards the roof and the stone chimney that emerged. “Fireplace too. What do you think?”

Lalli took some satisfaction in being addressed so directly, so clearly, but he was leaning through the dimness of Emil’s mind into the house ahead. He murmured wordless sounds to himself. Emil started forward, but Lalli sat up straight all at once as he caught mental hold of the mass of voices and souls just out of sight.

“Stop.”

Emil obeyed. “Eh?”

“I saw something in there,” said Lalli, voice steady but firm. “Keep moving. And don’t look at it.”

“S-sure,” said Emil. He started away from the house, but came to a staggering stop as his eyes caught sudden movement. Lalli forced out a frustrated sigh.

“I said don’t look!”

Huge, spectral creatures, an echo of the humanity they once were, loomed above Emil and Lalli’s vulnerable body. Lalli was unalarmed at the sight, but he felt Emil’s fear run through him like a thunderbolt. Lalli shot to his feet on his little bare patch of floor as Emil stammered, already entranced by the darkness now peering curiously back at him.

“Hello?! Did you forget how _walking_ works? Keep. _Moving!_ ” shouted Lalli. His heart beat a little faster; this would have been easy to deal with if he were in his own body, but Emil was so untrained, so _stupid_ , so vulnerable…

“Y̶͇̔ö̷̝́u̷̪…̸͔͂ ̴̡̎Y̵̤͠ȏ̶̯u̸͖̽ ̷̲͐c̵̝̈́a̴̰̕n̷̼̕ ̷̬s̴͈̈́ẹ̴̒e̸͙̍ ̷͔͂u̷̪̕ŝ̷̖?̷̰̋ ̸̤̎Y̸̖̾o̸̤̔ṳ̴ ̵͍͋c̵͎̄a̸̪̅n̸͙͛ ̴̖͑h̷̑͜e̵̺̽a̴̼͠r̸̭͒ ̶̠͝u̵̙̇s̶̞̆…̸̜͆” Their collective voices were whispering and echoing, like old, cracked leather rubbing against itself.

Lalli cursed silently and clenched his fists.

“It’s… it’s talking to me,” murmured Emil.

“ _Hey!_ ” Lalli shouted, banging his hands on the edge of Emil’s dreamspace. The surface turned to rippling fog under Lalli’s fists. “Stop listening to it!”

Lalli heard the voices swirling around Emil, worming their way, unwanted, into Emil’s mind. They begged for help, for peace and release, and the dumb Swede continued to stare, wide-eyed. Lalli couldn’t tell if it was Emil’s heart or his own that was hammering so loud he could hardly breathe.

“You can’t help it!” cried Lalli. “It’ll kill you the moment you get close enough!” He kept his hands on the edge of Emil’s dreamspace. He needed to touch something, to feel the intangible smoothness that now separated him so strangely from Emil.

Emil kept still. Lalli slammed his hands against the barrier once more in attempt to get Emil’s attention. He _had_ to be louder than the creatures.

“Did you hear me?! Do not go in there! Snap out of it _now_! You _stupid idiot!_ ”

Lalli sighed. He let his eyes fall halfway closed and his gaze softened. He began to sense the still air around him, felt the floor under his feet, and took in the grief and anxiety that moved in opposing waves through Emil’s mind.

“Emil,” said Lalli softly. “Focus on me.”

Lalli breathed for a moment, suddenly aware of his own deeply confusing vat of feelings, and then Emil began removing his rifle from his back. Lalli stood up straight.

“No! Stop! _Stop!!!_ ” he shouted, but Emil was moving slowly and steadily into the house now. The malevolence inside clarified.

 _He’s going to die,_ thought Lalli. He grit his teeth.

“I’m just going to kill it real quick,” said Emil. His mind wasn’t his own. Lalli knew that, but Emil didn’t. “I’ll be back out in a second, don’t worry.”

“No.”

Lalli meant everything with that one word. And he had to stop Emil. His power, his connection to the gods felt distant and hazy inside the safe haven of Emil’s mind, but Lalli reached deep inside himself, screaming in his own mind prayers he didn’t have the words for. Lalli put both hands over his ears to block out the roaring driving through his brain, and for a brief moment, Lalli could feel the air around Emil, feel the earth under his feet, and smell the musty, decaying scent of the house he’d so foolishly run into.

Emil fell to his knees and Lalli breathed forcefully through his nose. He felt the moisture of his own blood under his hands, but still he kept his eyes focused straight ahead. The roaring spread into Emil’s head; Lalli clamped his hands against his ears even tighter.

_I will not lose you._

Emil panted and clutched at his hair and ears. Lalli did not relent until Emil lay heaving on the ground, unable to tell if his eyes stung with Emil’s tears or his own. Finally Lalli let out a sigh and let his hands fall to his sides. His chest felt cavernous, cold.

“Come back,” said Lalli, his voice soft but resolute among the voices still clamoring their way into Emil’s head.

Lalli felt the intention before Emil had even begun to move. Emil started to his feet, but Lalli rooted deep into himself once more, faster this time, hands clenched into fists that drove his nails into his palms. The roaring tore into his head in a place right behind his eyes, sending pain and power down his arms and away from his body into the vulnerable hold Lalli had on Emil’s self.

“I said COME BACK,” Lalli roared, and Emil fell once more, trembling uncontrollably. Lalli’s heart bent and twisted painfully in his chest as Emil let out a whimper. Lalli steadied his breathing, jaw set, and blinked away a stream of blood that ran across his eye.

“Give up. I won’t stop doing that,” said Lalli. He felt a frozen fury towards the beasts speaking their malice into Emil’s head. Their darkness was not welcome here. He would drive them out however long it took for Emil to turn from the death they enticed him towards.

“I… I just wanted to help them,” said Emil, his voice thin. Lalli pressed his tongue into the roof of his mouth.

“No, they’ve gotten into your head. You’d realize you’re about to kill us both otherwise.” The hollowness in Lalli’s chest grew, and he suddenly felt thin to the point of transparency, as if somehow he had become completely absorbed into Emil’s fragile dreamscape.

“You need to trust me,” Lalli said quietly.

Lalli sensed Emil’s deliberation, but he knew the fight was won. Emil climbed to his feet once more, picked up his rifle, and retraced his steps out of the house. The spirits continued to whisper their moaning cries, but Emil resolutely picked up the leads of Lalli’s rug and left the voices behind.

“What if it follows us?” asked Emil, voice weary and thoughtful now.

“It won’t,” said Lalli. “It felt stuck.”

“I can still hear them in the back of my head,” said Emil.

 _I know,_ thought Lalli. Lalli wished he could deafen Emil's ears and blind his eyes to the horrors that now haunted him, return his head to the blissfully non-magical serenity he deserved.

“That’s not going to keep happening, is it?”

“No,” said Lalli. “I can block them out once we’re farther away.” He couldn’t let Emil take another risk like that. Emil might as well be an untrained mage, but without the instincts to protect himself.

“I see some promising houses down the road, go there,” said Lalli, trying to be a bit gentler, but the force of stopping Emil had taxed him. It was difficult to monitor his tone. He returned to his spot on the sofa and sat with this legs pulled up tight against his chest.

Lalli guided Emil to a large, unoccupied house. He sensed Emil’s ease and exhaustion fully setting in as the Swede skillfully built a roaring fire and constructed a surprisingly cozy nest on the hearth.

Lalli became uncomfortably aware of the blood now half-dried on his face and in his hair. He rubbed at the offending sticky streaks and ran his fingers through his hair. He was just smoothing out the very rough finger-combing he’d given himself when he paused suddenly. Emil would be asleep soon. Lalli ran his fingers through his hair again, feeling the individual strands between his fingers.

Moments later, Lalli's surroundings began to shift and change. The fog blew away to once more reveal the kitchen that somehow felt both foreign and familiar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took quite a bit of editing, but I'm happy with where it landed! My current guess is that we're a little over halfway through this fic, but we've seen how well my predictions have gone in the past lol


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Please let me be_  
>  _Darling, 'cause just so much has happened to me_  
>  _Through the maze of a woodland I've gone_  
>  -Please Let Me Be by Future of Forestry

The kitchen seemed the barest bit different this time, but that made sense to Lalli. He’d missed the beginning of the dream last time, after all. Now the strange, round woman stood at the nearby sink, scrubbing a small pile of dishes. The table full of food had returned, perhaps with a bit more to offer than the night before. The woman at the sink turned and looked at Lalli with bright eyes.

“Oh, hello dear! Are you a friend of Emil’s?”

Lalli stared. Was he? He supposed he was.

“Uh… Uh-huh?”

Lalli had never really had a friend before. Tuuri and Onni were always nagging him to be friendlier, to meet new people, to spend just a little bit more time with some of the other soldiers at Keuruu.

The woman smiled brightly. “How lovely! I can’t remember the last time he had a friend over!”

Lalli blinked. The weird lady had said something like that the night before, too.

Maybe he was Emil’s friend…?

“Emil sweetheart, come eat!” called the woman. She set down the last dishes to air dry and wandered out of the room. Lalli quickly cast his eyes upon the cake he’d eaten the night before. He picked it and a fork up and was just returning to his seat when a familiar, albeit slightly younger sounding, voice called from the hallway.

“I was already on my way, no need to yell!”

Emil’s bright eyes caught sight of Lalli and widened in surprise.

 _Oh gods,_ thought Lalli. _Is he going to forget every night?_

As if Emil had sensed Lalli’s consternation, he sighed and said, “Right, I remember.”

Emil made his way over to the couch, moving a bit more wearily now, and sat down next to Lalli.

“So it’s really you in here, I wasn’t going crazy.”

Lalli made a sound in agreement and confirmation. To Emil’s credit, Lalli hadn’t expected the blasphemous Swede to accept things quite this quickly.

“You should have tried to convince me!” said Emil, turning to look at Lalli. Lalli glanced over, but didn’t turn.

“You would’ve believed me?” Lalli asked, knowing the answer, but a little surprised he had cause to ask at all.

“Definitely!” said Emil. His eyes were clear and earnest in the half-dream, half-fire light. He blinked and looked at the ground.

“Eventually,” Emil said, then let out a little sigh. “Maybe.”

Lalli began eating the cake. It was good, even if it wasn’t real. There was a long silence between them. Lalli didn’t mind silence normally—people were almost always too loud—but this silence was cloying and choking, as if it increased in heavy density with every second that passed. Lalli sighed and took another bite of cake.

Lalli felt Emil’s eyes on him, and once more he realized how tired he was. Something about Emil’s stare reduced Lalli to that same paper-thin feeling he had when he’d finally stopped Emil from running to his death.

“I…” said Emil, breaking the silence. Somehow the absorbing, smothering feeling grew even more intense. Lalli felt the edges of the plate under his fingers, smooth.

Emil began again. “I just want to thank you for saving my life. Both back then on the ice, and again today.”

Lalli didn’t know what to say.

“Okay.”

Emil’s eyes darkened slightly. Lalli couldn’t read the expression on Emil’s face, but something about it made his insides twist uncomfortably. He felt the plate in his hands and pressed his feet lightly into the floor.

“Is that what you have to deal with all the time?” asked Emil. “With you being a…” He paused, but only for a moment. “A mage? Do you risk becoming mind-controlled or something?”

Normally Lalli would be irritated at this conversation. People were always curious about mages, reverent with their fear and aggravating with their prying questions. Lalli didn’t mind so much when Emil asked, though.

“I don’t. They have no influence over me anymore. Mages that can’t resist the voices don’t live very long.” Lalli had only personally known of one mage with such a fate, a girl who had wandered off into the forest, chasing the crying voices when she was barely old enough to hold a gun.

“So why were they able to influence me?” asked Emil.

“Your mind is very weak,” said Lalli.

Emil crossed his arms and sat back. “Hrmh. Thanks.”

Lalli looked over and realized a rather frowny expression had come over Emil’s face. Lalli’s shoulders raised in exasperation.

“Don’t take offense! It’s not an insult, just a statement! You have no defenses! Your mind is too open, too susceptible to feelings and _empathy._ That’s the truth!” Lalli’s eyes locked onto the worn wood grain of the floor and he frowned.

“Ah well, I see. I suppose it was a little bit lucky that you ended up in here to help out then,” said Emil, leaning back with a soft smile.

Lalli’s heart slid into an ache. He’d liked being here, talking with Emil in this little weird room. But it was getting far too dangerous, and Lalli itched to be back in his own body, in the real world, where he could finally breathe real air. Emil was soft. It was that softness that let Lalli in, he was sure, but that softness also had to be protected. Lalli couldn’t protect him if he stayed in Emil’s head.

“No,” said Lalli. “They couldn’t have targeted you if I wasn’t here.” He looked at Emil, hoping he could find the words and expressions to convey the gravity of the situation. “I’m an access point that they can use to get to you, and I can’t fight them for you. We’re both at risk as long as I stay.” Lalli sighed and let his eyes fall. “And I just want to go back.”

There was another long pause and Emil turned to stare at Lalli once more. Lalli sunk into himself slightly, suddenly uncomfortable.

Emil spoke up, surprisingly cheerful. “Hey, don’t worry! I’ll help you get out of here. What do we need to do for that to happen?”

Lalli’s heart sank. “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean ‘you don’t know’?”

Lalli’s gaze shot towards Emil. “I mean _I don’t know!_ I’m not some sort of all-knower!” Lalli’s face tensed. “Often when someone’s self is forcefully cast out they are lost forever, and they never wake up. I haven’t heard of anyone becoming trapped inside someone else’s mind before.” Lalli’s shoulders collapsed further and he tried to control the shaking in his voice. “I-I don’t know what’ll happen if my body dies. Will I be able to find my way to Tuonela? Or will I be stuck… _here!?_ ” Lalli didn’t want to even _begin_ to think what it would be like, for either of them, if Lalli’s mind stayed stranded in Emil’s dreamspace.

“Hey,” said Emil, his voice something like reassuring, “I’m sure it’ll work out. I’ll get us both to the extraction point, alive. Trust me!”

Lalli forced himself to take steady, deep breaths. He doubted Emil’s words. But he had nothing else.

Emil began serving himself a selection of dishes from the table. “Once we’re out of here I’m sure we can find someone who knows how to help.”

Unprompted, the round woman from before reappeared in the doorway. She leaned in and spoke in her weird, scratchy voice.

“Emil dear, I’m afraid your father won’t be making it home for—”

“ _I DON’T CARE!!_ ” shouted Emil. “Can’t you see I have _friends_ over?!! _GOD!_ ”

“Oh, that is lovely! Have fun you two!”

She left, and Lalli watched Emil curiously as his body language shifted.

“S-sorry,” he said, voice low. He ran a hand through his hair. “I swear I’m not like this anymore! That was so rude of me.”

Lalli stared at him. “It was?”

Emil stared back. “Uh, yeah. Yelling at people is a bit rude.”

“Hmh.” Lalli blinked thoughtfully. Emil was rounder in his dreams. His face carried a mixture of extra weight and lingering baby fat that apparently disappeared over the course of his time in the military. For the first time, Lalli really wondered if there were things he didn’t know about the tender Swede.

“Speaking of rude…” said Emil, turning away. He rubbed the back of his neck. “When someone thanks you you should say ‘you’re welcome,’ not just ‘okay.’”

“Oh,” said Lalli. His heart sped up a little. Lalli was never good at figuring out which things people said because they had to and which things they said because they wanted to. It seemed silly, to say “you’re welcome” for something he would have done anyway, even if he’d died, or Emil had died, or…

“You’re welcome?” said Lalli. He wasn’t sure if he meant it yet, but he couldn’t deny the smile that spread across Emil’s face in response.

“Hah, thanks!”

Lalli swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to calm his pounding heart.

“And… thank you. For trying to help. And not leaving me behind.” Lalli folded his arms in front of him, staring intensely at the swirls of sweet cream on top of the cake.

Emil swallowed his food and smiled even brighter. “What? Did I really just hear you _thank_ me?”

“Don’t be weird about it!” hissed Lalli, clutching his arms tightly.

“I’m just really happy to hear you thank me,” said Emil. Lalli shut his eyes, blocking out the bright, warm dreamscape for a moment.

“Well I’m never doing it again!”

Emil chuckled. “That’s okay, once is plenty.”

Emil continued eating, and Lalli absorbed himself in the feeling of his soft sleeves against his palms.

“So…” began Emil, turning to look eagerly at Lalli, “tell me a bit about yourself. How were things growing up?”

Lalli stared at him. For a moment that may have lasted a year, Lalli felt nothing. Then, in a wave rolling up from his feet, through his legs and torso, and across his face and arms, Lalli collapsed into himself, devoting everything to turning Emil from the dark, dark places housed in the bottom of Lalli’s mind.

“That is none of your business.”

Emil held both his hands up, palms forward in surrender. “Sorry, sorry! I’ve crossed a line, I’ll back off!” He dropped his hands to his lap again. “I got a bit too excited about being able to talk with you is all. Personal issues are off limits, I know that now.”

“Mm.” Lalli wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He liked Emil, or at the very least, he didn’t _dislike_ Emil, but there were places even Onni wasn’t allowed. And there were plenty of places hidden in Onni’s head that Lalli would never dare touch.

But that was the thing with Emil. He overstepped his bounds regularly, touching Lalli when it was unwanted and uncalled for, speaking harshly or too eagerly when Lalli was too tired to listen, asking about things he had no right to know. But when Lalli responded with a hiss, or a glare, or now even with words… Emil always backed away. He never made the same mistake twice.

That was new.

Onni and Tuuri had always pushed Lalli into places he didn’t want to go. They went about it differently, but the end results were often the same or similar. Lalli learned to avoid the situations and questions he didn’t want to deal with. The ones he couldn’t avoid he openly greeted with the coldness he felt. Sometimes he’d gotten irritated with Onni and Tuuri. Onni at least understood Lalli’s reluctance, but Tuuri had always loved people and the world far more than either of her remaining family members.

Lalli’s eyes glazed over briefly as his mind wandered alongside his precious images of Tuuri. The trip into the Silent World had worn her thin, but there was a different kind of lightness to her in those last days, too.

“You know, I don’t mind if you ask me stuff, though,” said Emil. Lalli's mind snapped back to his current surroundings.

“Aren’t you at least curious about what this location is?” asked Emil, his smile somehow unfaded despite Lalli's outburst.

Lalli met Emil’s eyes. He felt a little bit of discomfort, as he always did when looking another person directly in the face, but with Emil it wasn’t quite so bad.

“I don’t need to ask. I observe, and draw accurate conclusions,” said Lalli.

“Really?” asked Emil. Lalli could hear the disbelief in his voice.

Lalli looked around the room, leaning forward a bit more. “Big house. A woman that is not your mother. Too much food for one person. That means…” Lalli had some suspicions. Tuuri had mentioned that Emil’s family used to be rich. This was probably his old house, which only solidified Lalli’s image of Emil as a very spoiled Swede. But something about it felt… different. Different than Lalli would have expected.

“This is an orphanage that you grew up in. Everyone else got adopted and you were the only child left. Very sad.” Lalli closed his eyes sagely and nodded. He felt Emil bristle at his tarnished name and Lalli smiled inwardly, though he kept his face still.

“Wow, okay. No, I’m not an _orphan._ This is just my home. And it’s not that much food, it’s a _normal_ —” Emil cut himself off, smiled, and let out something halfway between a sigh and a laugh. “It’s fine, it doesn’t really matter.” He closed his eyes, put his hands behind his head, and leaned back. Lalli took another bite of cake.

“Despite the circumstances, I’m glad you’re here. It’s nice to have someone around,” said Emil, opening his eyes to glance at Lalli once more. “Don’t you agree, a little?”

“Hm,” said Lalli. He was glad of the rest, and he didn’t despise Emil’s company, but he wasn’t sure he could feel at home _inside Emil's head_ for very long.

“Makes me not want to wake up tomorrow,” said Emil, voice taking a different tone. “It’s all such a _misery_ out there. It’s cold, my clothes are damp, there’s nothing to eat.” He ran his hands across his face in a sudden movement and thumped his head against the sofa. “And I’m so _tired_ of the _walking!_ How many days have I been going now? Three?!”

Lalli stared at him, one eyebrow raised. “One. And an evening.”

Emil dropped his hands. His eyes remained closed as he sighed deeply. “I want to sleep forever.”

Lalli’s throat tightened. “But… you have to keep going. You promised you would.”

Emil opened his eyes and stared across the room, face wrought in the despair Lalli had only ever felt from inside Emil’s mind. He’d never seen that sort of expression on Emil’s face in the waking world. Emil sighed again.

“Yes.” Emil sat up and rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry, I didn’t mean I’m about to give up. I’m just exhausted.”

 _I wonder what that’s like,_ thought Lalli wryly.

“I need to rest my eyes. Just a little…”

By the next breath, Emil was asleep. Lalli watched him for a moment, the dreamspace fading but not disappearing like when Emil was awake. It simply washed out a little.

Moving quietly came easily to Lalli in the real world, but it was even easier in the dreamsea. Lalli set the cake aside, placing it silently on the couch next to him. He stood, took his cloak from where he’d left it on the back of the couch, and spread it over Emil’s sleeping form. Lalli paused for a moment, taking in the Swede’s face.

Lalli found it a little strange Emil looked different in his dreamspace. But still, there was a warmth that spread over Lalli when he stared at the square jawline that had grown familiar when he wasn’t paying attention. Lalli absentmindedly smoothed down the fur of the cloak. He was tired, yes, but Emil was tired, too. And both their lives depended on Emil. Lalli didn’t have to like it.

Lalli let out a sigh and sat back down. He brought the cake back into his lap and took a big bite, savoring the sweetness he rarely got to experience in the real world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a longer chapter! Our Lalli is a little tender boy still, and will be for a while. Lucky for him (and us!) Emil is a patient one, bless him.
> 
> I have a bazillion and one things to do right now between work and personal projects, so this chapter was a welcome break. Catch you all next week!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _When will I feel this_  
>  _As vivid as it truly is_  
>  _Fall in love in a single touch_  
>  _And fall apart when it hurts too much_  
>  -Touch by Sleeping At Last

Lalli spent the next day planning. He kept himself alert throughout the day's journey, steering Emil clear of any particularly nasty trolls, knowing that the danger was doubled while Emil's mind was vulnerable. Lalli couldn't defend Emil from everything. In the brief moments when Lalli felt confident in the safety of their surroundings, he retreated into his own mind, reviewing his early training, the words and maxims his grandma gave to him when he was very small.

He interrupted readily when Emil stopped for the day.

"Don't go to sleep right away," said Lalli. Emil glanced back at Lalli's body, nestled in a pile of moldy pillows and blankets next to the fire he'd built in the fireplace.

"Why?" asked Emil. Alarm pricked at Emil's mind, sending tingles down Lalli's skin. "Did something find us?"

Lalli scoffed. "No. This area's clear, I told you. We need to prepare you for the next time we run into spirits." Lalli crossed his legs on the sofa and placed his hands firmly in his lap. "You're at risk as long as I'm here. And if it's going to take until we get to the extraction point to get me out, then you’re going to run into more trouble.”

Emil let out a little sigh. He sat back, leaning against a half-decayed armchair, arms resting on his knees.

“Right. What do we need to do?” he asked. Lalli could hear the exhaustion in Emil’s voice, but he took a deep breath and continued.

“A mage’s mind is their final defense. You’re not a mage, but you might as well be for now.” Lalli closed his eyes as he spoke, falling into recitation that echoed in a handful of different voices in his mind. His grandma’s was by far the loudest. “The creatures of the Silent World envy the defenses of the mind and seek to infiltrate them. They want to overwhelm you and drive you to madness, so that their misery may spread. There are magical means of protecting the mind, but these will be useless to you if your thoughts remain vulnerable underneath. Just as the gods blessed us with our divine senses, they also blessed us with common sense.”

Lalli’s eyes shot open and he looked around Emil’s dreamspace; it wasn’t quite as foggy as it should have been.

“Hey!” shouted Lalli, putting his feet flat on the floor. “Wake up! Are you listening to me?”

Emil shook his head and opened his eyes. “Sorry. I’m listening.”

Lalli’s stomach twisted and he narrowed his eyes. He wished he were in his own body so he could give the Swede the glare he deserved.

“You’re not a mage,” said Lalli, “but you can still learn to focus your mind and control your thoughts. I can’t do that for you, though. I can just teach you. Do you understand?”

“Mm-hmm.” Emil made only a small sound of acknowledgement, but it was enough.

Lalli forced himself to release the tight grip on the sofa he’d unconsciously taken in the last few minutes. “Start with your breathing. Take a deep breath.” Lalli breathed as Emil did, and he sensed a pervasive wave of calm washing over Emil’s thoughts. Lalli’s shoulders relaxed slightly.

“Breathe in again, and when you breathe out, get all of the air out of your lungs. All of it.”

Another breath. Lalli felt his own head begin to clear, emptying of the fuzziness and confusion that stuck to him like berry juice.

“Do that again,” said Lalli.

Emil obeyed and Lalli opened his eyes. The dreamspace began to shift again.

“Not yet!” shouted Lalli. Emil jumped this time, letting out a little startled sound.

“God, Lalli!” groaned Emil, though he didn’t say more than that. Lalli frowned. This would never work. Not now, not while Emil was so tired. Lalli wasn’t sure what he could do to protect Emil from the trolls, and it would take too long if they had to keep avoiding all signs of past civilization. He had to give Emil _something._ It was the only way Lalli could protect him.

“Keep breathing,” Lalli growled, and he reoriented himself on the sofa. He shifted his tunic to sit more comfortably on his shoulders and smoothed his leggings down to the ankle. He took a moment while bent over and massaged his feet, feeling the extent of his body in this little space. Lalli sat up sharply and sighed.

“Alright. Your breathing is very important,” said Lalli.

“Um, yeah?” said Emil.

Lalli clenched and unclenched his jaw. “Breathing will center you, so if you hear the voices, concentrate on your breathing.”

“Okay,” said Emil, halfway through a yawn. “Is there anything else I should know?” Lalli knew Emil wasn't trying to be irritating; he was tired. But that didn't stop Lalli from kneading his own fingers in his hands.

“Yes. Breathing is only the first step. Start telling me how you feel.”

“What?” asked Emil, sitting up a little straighter all at once.

“Start with the floor. How does it feel underneath you?”

“Oh.” Emil shifted slightly. “Hard. Kind of cold.”

Lalli breathed. He felt a sudden ache; it made his arms feel shaky and his chest hurt. He wished he could sense their surroundings outside of the intuitive nature the gods blessed him with. He wanted to feel the chill in the air and the warmth of the fire Emil had built, to taste the scent of mold in the walls of the house.

“Take another deep breath,” said Lalli, just as much to himself as to Emil. He still felt strange, but breathing helped. Slow, and steady. In, then out.

“What do you hear?” asked Lalli, before Emil could lose his concentration and drift halfway off to sleep again.

Emil didn’t respond right away. The dreamspace was quiet most of the time. Lalli listened anyway, to the absence of sound.

It was driving Lalli mad.

“I don’t really hear anything,” said Emil, yanking Lalli from his spiraling thoughts. Lalli blinked rapidly.

“What?”

“I hear the fire sometimes, when it pops. But it’s quiet.”

Lalli nodded, even though Emil couldn’t see him. This wasn’t working. He’d never had to teach, let alone _explain_ anything about being a mage before, and now it would be the death of them both.

_Stupid._

“Lalli?” Emil’s voice was soft, but still it pulled Lalli back into his surroundings, hazy as they were. He didn’t know what to do next. This would never work while Emil was out running from trolls, either. Mages weren’t allowed to leave the safe areas until they could protect themselves in the most basic ways. Lalli had no training, experience, or even stories to tell him what to do. Lalli’s throat tightened and he brought his knees up to his chest. The silence of the dreamspace was suffocating and deafening all at once, still and peaceful beyond bearing. Lalli tighten his arms around his legs and shut his eyes.

_“Close your eyes, Lalli. Breathe. Listen to your breathing.”_

A voice spoke softly in the back of Lalli's mind. He drew his focus deep into his own thoughts, seeking out the half-memories that lived there.

_“I can’t hear it. Everything’s too loud.”_

_“Yes, I know. Just breathe. In, then out. When I was a little girl, old enough to walk but not old enough to take care of myself, my cousin, Veeti, took care of me a lot. He hated babysitting. I don’t blame him. Are you listening to my voice, Lalli?”_

Lalli opened his eyes. They stung, and his throat pinched painfully, but he summoned up the words to speak quietly to Emil.

“Just breathe. Breathe. And listen to me.”

Lalli had no idea what he was going to say next; it felt like stepping off a cliff into blackness, or diving headfirst into the murky waters of the dreamsea. Emil remained quiet, but Lalli could tell he was still awake.

“When I was little, back in Saimaa…” He drifted off. Lalli didn’t know why this particular memory had come to mind. But it pricked at his chest and heart in a way that kept him speaking. “Onni used to watch Tuuri and me a lot. Babysitting. He was the oldest, so before he was old enough to go help with farming and stuff he stayed home with us. Tuuri always found some way to get into trouble. And Onni always tried to catch her _before_ she could make trouble.”

Emil chuckled, soft and drowsy. “Okay?”

Lalli allowed himself a little smile.

_“One day, when we were settled for a while on a little patch of an island we’d cleared, Veeti was in charge of me while the adults worked on the boat. He told me we were going to play hide and seek. I had until the count of 50 to find a hiding place.”_

“One time Tuuri had been more irritating than normal. I wasn’t able to avoid her as much then, when she was annoying me. So I was upset, which made Tuuri upset, and that made Onni upset. So Onni said we were going to play a game. He told Tuuri and I that we were going to play hide and seek, and that Tuuri was it.”

Lalli paused, and Emil was quiet.

“Emil?” asked Lalli. His name still tasted strange in his mouth, simple and too syrupy-sweet all at once.

“I’m still awake,” said Emil, though his voice was thick with exhaustion. “You were going to play a game?”

Lalli took a moment before continuing. The silence had eased on his ears, now.

“Just listen to the sound of my voice. And breathe.” Lalli wasn’t sure what he actually _sounded_ like to Emil; it would have been better if he were outside of Emil’s head, but then again, everything would have been better if he were outside of Emil’s head. Lalli hoped it was enough.

“I thought it was a good plan. I wanted to go outside. And Tuuri wanted something to do. And Onni said not to go too far, so it’s really his fault for not being clearer.”

Emil snorted, startling Lalli back into the present.

“What did you _do?_ Or what did _Tuuri_ do?”

Lalli rubbed his palm across his leggings, absorbed in the feeling of the soft leather.

_“I was so excited. I was good at hiding, even then. So I hid. I found a great tree that hadn’t been damaged, because we were deep enough in the wilderness. And I was so small that I could find a place to crawl in among the roots. I wasn’t too far from the boat—even then, we knew to stay together. And I waited. A long, long time went by. I felt brilliant. I hadn’t even heard a peep from Veeti! I thought I was very good at hiding, or that Veeti was very bad at finding.”_

“Tuuri started counting, so I went to hide. I didn’t try very hard, because Tuuri wasn’t very good at hide and seek, and so I just climbed way up in a tree.”

“How old were you?” asked Emil, almost interrupting this time.

Lalli shrugged. “Six? I don’t know.”

 _“But then a_ very _long time went by. And then, next thing I knew, my parents were walking through the forest, calling my name. I didn’t want to lose the game, but Veeti wasn’t there, so I decided it didn’t count if I came out.”_

Lalli continued. His voice softened slightly. “It was nice up there. Quiet. I liked getting away.”

Lalli half expected a jabbing response from Emil. Lalli’s preference for solitude wasn’t exactly a secret. But Emil said nothing, so Lalli continued.

“I didn’t pay attention to what time it was. I just knew I’d go back whenever Tuuri found me.”

_“My parents were furious! They scolded me for wandering off.”_

“I listened to the forest. It was quiet and warm.”

_“I know now they were relieved, too. But at the time I only knew I was in big trouble. I tried to tell them we were playing hide and seek, and, well, Veeti wasn’t allowed to babysit after that. I have a feeling his scolding was much worse than mine.”_

“But then Onni came storming through the woods, calling for me, and Tuuri was there, so I came down, and Onni scolded me for going too far.” Lalli shrugged and let out a long sigh. “But he just said ‘don’t go too far!’ How was I supposed to know half a kilometer was _too far?_ ”

For the first time in several minutes, Lalli took note of his surroundings. The dreamspace had grown lighter again, though Emil didn’t seem to be entirely asleep just yet. Just as Lalli noticed, though, the space returned to its usual waking fog.

“Sorry,” said Emil. “I did kind of fall asleep that time. What happened next? After the tree?”

Lalli’s face tightened into a light frown. “I’ll tell you later. You can sleep now.”

Emil arched his back and stretched. “I always was a quick study.”

Lalli nodded. He sat back against the couch, his mind a swirling sludge of thoughts and feelings somewhat akin to the big Dane's mysterious meals.

Emil didn’t immediately bed down next to Lalli’s unconscious body, much to Lalli's surprise. Instead Emil crawled onto his knees next to Lalli’s form and picked up Lalli’s right hand.

Lalli frowned and blinked repeatedly. “What are you doing?”

Emil rubbed at Lalli’s fingers methodically. “Checking for frostbite. It won’t be much good if we get to the others and your body’s half gone, right?” Emil’s voice was light, but Lalli could sense the anxiety brewing in Emil’s clouded mind.

Lalli wanted to close in on himself as he half-saw, half-felt Emil carefully check each of his fingers for signs of frostbite, then carefully remove Lalli’s boots to examine his toes. It wasn’t because the silence was once more becoming unbearable, or because Emil was simultaneously closer and father away than he'd ever been, or even because Lalli seriously doubted he’d drilled anything useful into Emil’s head when it came to avoiding the influence of trolls. There was something nesting in the tangled ball of string in Lalli’s heart, something Lalli couldn’t quite see.

Emil got Lalli’s boots back on with some small difficulty, and Lalli was glad he wasn’t awake to feel the result of Emil’s efforts. Lalli had to be very careful to keep his leggings precisely flat underneath the tall boots, a task that usually took several minutes.

Only when Emil was finished with his examinations did he finally cover Lalli with some musty blankets and burrow down in a pile of half-rotten pillows himself.

Lalli listened as Emil slipped into the dreamspace, watched as his surroundings once more clarified and brightened. Felt as his heart flipped twice in his chest as he picked up a new plate of cake for himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was a long series of complications with this chapter. First, my in-person job opened this week, so I've had less time and energy to write. Then, I was super unhappy with my first almost-finished draft, so I decided to rewrite the chapter. _Then,_ this chapter turned out to be one of the longer ones!
> 
> It's a little weird and all over the place. I wouldn't call it one of my most artful segments, but there's some fun stuff!
> 
> And shoutout to consideritalljoy for helping me wrestle this chapter into submission!
> 
> Also, for the record, I work in theatre, so this chapter featured the _wild_ adventure of me pretending to bad at teaching basic mindfulness.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _So I wanna be seen, see through_  
>  _I wanna be seen, see through_  
>  _Oh see, see through_  
>  _With you_  
>  -See Through by Black Match

Lalli and Emil fell into a rhythm in the following days. Emil dragged Lalli’s body through the ruins of Denmark, following Lalli’s directions and foraging according to Lalli’s instructions, while Lalli himself kept on high alert for trolls. It was tiring, but still Lalli ached to be back in his own body. At night Emil usually fell asleep in his own dreamspace while Lalli munched on sweets, eventually catching some sleep himself. He couldn’t sense anything while Emil slept, so there wasn’t much point in staying awake.

Emil came into the kitchen, eyes somehow simultaneously heavy and bright. Lalli missed his own body, and he and Emil didn’t always talk much, but he had some comfort in the routine of Emil’s presence. Lalli took a bite of cake.

“Hi,” said Emil. He sat down immediately. The dream food didn’t actually provide any sustenance; it was easier for Emil to simply fall asleep. Lalli nodded in response.

Emil yawned and rubbed at his face. “It’s ridiculous that you can feel so tired in dreams. It shouldn’t work that way.”

Lalli blinked. “It shouldn’t?”

“Well, it doesn’t seem like it should.”

Lalli raised his eyebrows wryly and took a bite of cake.

“Did you dream like this before? When you wouldn’t wake up last time?” asked Emil.

Lalli gripped his fork a little tighter. “Yes. Kind of.”

Emil turned to look at him, eyes round and searching. “What do you mean?”

“I was waiting for my luonto to come back.” Lalli shifted uncomfortably. He’d been bitter that day, and still was—a little. But he wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about it now. And none of that seemed particularly important anymore.

“What?” asked Emil, still curious.

Lalli sighed. “Each of us has a luonto, our nature. They come to us when we get our first teeth. For mages, they give us our power and are our connection to the gods. Sometimes your luonto leaves, and you have to wait for it to come back.” The cream of the cake coated his tongue still.

Emil nodded thoughtfully. “I was really worried. Back then, I mean.” A strange expression twisted Emil’s face, and Lalli frowned in surprise and confusion.

“What?”

Emil’s voice pitched up slightly and he shrugged. “I mean, I didn’t know what was going on! And everyone else didn’t think it was a big deal for some reason, but I mean, you slept for 24 straight hours, and then you were flailing around in your sleep and screaming, and...”

Lalli stared at Emil, he couldn’t help it. “What?” He wasn’t surprised that he’d had a reaction while he fought the spirits out of his dreamspace. That part made sense. What did surprise Lalli was that his reaction had been so violent, and that _Emil was worried._

Emil looked down at his hands. He spoke a bit softer now. “It all came out alright, but… I don’t know.”

Lalli sat very still, hands and arms relaxed.

“You never really answered my question, though,” said Emil. Without thinking, Lalli turned to look at Emil, but for some reason the delicate, revealing movements of his face were too much and Lalli looked away again.

“Did you dream like this last time?” asked Emil.

Lalli nodded. “Yeah. It’s a little different without my luonto, but… I have a place. Sort of like this. I slept, mostly.”

Lalli could feel Emil’s eyes on him, but he didn’t want to volunteer any more information. A tickling feeling writhed in his chest, something like a warning of danger, but without the alertness that ran through Lalli’s veins when he was in danger.

Emil didn’t ask anything more. The cake was too much now, and Lalli put it on the couch beside him, hands placed uselessly in his lap.

_Thank you._

But could Lalli say that? He said he wouldn’t be thanking Emil again. But this time, he was thankful. But he didn’t want to set a precedent, didn’t want Emil to force him into the same niceties Tuuri did.

Used to.

Lalli clenched and unclenched his fists. He let out a sharp, frustrated sigh, and Emil glanced at Lalli, but didn’t say anything. It was a stupid thing to get stuck on. But Lalli couldn’t bring himself to speak or move.

“How many more days do you think we have?” asked Emil.

Lalli thought back to the map and double-checked his route in his mind, though he didn’t really need to. “A week. At least.”

A moment passed, then Emil let out an abrupt sigh.

“Good night, Lalli,” said Emil.

Emil settled in on the sofa. Comfort didn’t matter as much in the dreamspace as it did in the real world, and Lalli imagined sleeping sitting up on a couch was far more comfortable than the hovels Emil scrounged up each night. It never took long for Emil to drift off to sleep, and the dreamspace always dimmed slightly when he did, wrapping them in a blanket of haze.

Lalli spent a few moments lost in the emptiness of thought. He found his eyes wandering up to Emil’s face. The weariness Lalli knew was present didn’t transfer to Emil’s movements or expressions in the dream, but still he sensed it. He watched the slow rise and fall of Emil’s chest; the rhythm brought a sense of comfort that rubbed like a gentle hand across Lalli’s arms. It had been five days. There was still a long distance to cover, but Lalli began to truly think, began to truly _hope_ that they might make it.

Part of it baffled Lalli, that Emil would walk through Denmark’s slowly thawing cold carrying a weight like his body. It was just short of suicidal. Lalli brought his legs up to his chest and rested his cheek on his knees. He kept his eyes on Emil, at ease now that the other boy was asleep. 

Perhaps it was like when they faced the giant.

There was simply no other option for either of them.

Lalli sighed, picked up his plate, and put it back on the table. He took his cloak from the back of the sofa and draped it across himself as he settled down on the couch for the night. He took a moment to savor softness, stroking the fur and staring softly into space.

He didn’t feel happy. But for the first time in a long time, he didn’t feel numb. And he wasn’t totally _unhappy,_ either.

Lalli’s gaze turned back towards Emil. He liked looking at Emil. He liked the way his heart calmed and evened when he saw him—especially when Emil wasn’t looking. Emil's head was leaned back against the back of the sofa; it lolled a little bit to the side, splaying his golden hair across one cheek.

After a moment and without much thought, Lalli scooted closer and pushed Emil’s hair back into place, using a feather-light touch to avoid waking him. Lalli brought his hands back into his lap and ran his fingers through the fur of his cloak, which now felt rough by comparison. Emil didn’t stir.

Time wound its own way in dreams, often progressing faster or slower than it was in the waking world. And Lalli was grateful to the gods for creating this space. He continued to stare at Emil’s face, his smooth skin and his thin, long eyelashes. And slowly, over the indeterminate amount of time he’d been given, Lalli began to understand. His heart felt paper-thin, spider-silk light, and he let it feel that way. For the first time Lalli began to grasp that that thinness would not hurt him here.

And then it became too much. Lalli took a deep breath and looked away. He buried his arms under his cloak, enveloped in its warmth, and settled down to sleep.

But now something was out of place, off-kilter about the room. Lalli wriggled deeper into his seat in search of the most comfortable position, and in this process his head came to rest on Emil’s shoulder. Lall froze at the touch. But after only a moment’s hesitation, he relaxed, and, enveloped in the warmth of Emil and the warmth of his cloak, Lalli fell asleep.


	12. Chapter 12

Around midday Emil stopped and flopped onto the ground, letting out a sigh of exhaustion before lying on his back halfway in some patchy shade amid a small town largely overtaken by nature.

“Are we almost there?” asked Lalli, leaning back on the sofa in Emil’s dreamspace.

“Eh?” said Emil. He wrestled the map out of his pocket. It was harder for Lalli to track their progress from inside Emil’s head—one of the many frustrations plaguing him over the last few days.

“Uh… kinda?” continued Emil. “There’s still a bit to go.” He put the map down and stared up at the trees above. “But we’re getting closer. We’ll be there soon. Relatively soon.”

“Today?” asked Lalli. He was hopeful, but he knew it was unlikely they’d made _that_ much progress.

“I don’t think so,” said Emil, pulling himself back up into a sitting position. “My feet are about to fall off.”

Lalli paused. He didn’t blame Emil for his exhaustion; a journey this long would tax even Lalli, and Lalli knew he couldn’t carry Emil behind him were their situations reversed.

“I’m worried.” Lalli began it like a statement, but after a brief pause he explained, “I’m worried that my body will deteriorate if I’m like this too long.” It had been one of the many swirling thoughts that lived unspoken in Lalli’s mind. No matter if Emil got his body to the extraction point, Lalli still had to find his way back before there was no body to go back to.

“I’m not letting that happen!” said Emil. “I’m getting you to the end with me in good shape! You haven’t even gotten frostbite on any fingers or toes. I’ve been doing everything I can to keep you well.” He almost sounded like he was defending himself, as if Lalli doubted Emil’s commitment to keeping Lalli safe. Lalli sighed.

“Yeah, I know.”

“The others will already be there when we arrive, and Mikkel will know how to help if something is wrong,” said Emil.

Lalli didn’t respond. He didn’t outright doubt the Dane’s medical abilities, but he also knew that you could only keep an unconscious body alive for so long.

“Are we done sitting around now?” asked Lalli. He felt overtaken by a wave of restlessness. That happened often, now.

“Yes, yes,” said Emil. Lalli’s heart warmed at the sound of Emil’s smile in his voice. Lalli noticed the warmth Emil brought more often now, though he still didn’t know what to do about it. Emil climbed to his feet, picked up the leads of Lalli’s carpet sleigh, and started off down the road again.

“F o o d?”

Lalli sat up straight and listened sharply. He'd noticed the mass of troll bodies in the distant shadows nearby, but had failed to pay attention to the singular figure that now creeped toward them. Emil froze and his eyes darted through their surroundings at record speed as he searched for the source of the voice.

“Huh!? What?!”

Lalli found it before Emil; it kept to the shadows just off the road.

“H e l l o.” The voice was small and raspy, like the sound of a dozen cats scratching on carpet in unison. Lalli tensed in towards his spine as Emil turned to gaze into the shadows of a nearby dilapidated building.

It looked as many other dusklings did—thick, beetle-like hide covering all but four stubby legs and two dark, gleaming eyes. Lalli's eyes narrowed.

“F o o d.”

It was speaking something like Danish, Lalli thought, but he had to admit that he didn’t know for certain. He trained his senses on it, but also kept an eye on the surrounding area—it would be easy for something to catch them off guard while Emil was distracted.

“Uhh… I don’t have any food for you. Sorry,” said Emil. Lalli blinked repeatedly. What was he _doing?_

“H e l l o, f o o d.”

“What?! No, _I’m_ not food!” cried Emil.

“Why are you talking to it?” Lalli asked in a sudden burst. He sighed. “Remember how we practiced focusing your mind?”

Emil huffed, took a moment to glance at the duskling once more, and then picked up the leads and resumed walking. He muttered quietly but not unkindly as he moved. “Right, right.”

Lalli was ready. He had started mentally collecting stories to share, ones he wanted to tell Emil, in some small way. Sometimes the stories felt like poking at an open wound, remembering so clearly Tuuri's bright, insistent voice, and the lush, green clearings of his home in Saimaa. But the feeling wasn't always bad.

Lalli folded his hands in his lap and began. “So this one time me and Tuuri went to the northern part of the island to look for blueberries—”

“Blueberries, got it,” responded Emil. Lalli hadn’t really taught him to keep track of the story by echoing phrases or points like that, but it worked for Emil, so he didn’t stop him. Lalli continued.

“And I didn’t even want to go because I hate blueberries, so I just followed Tuuri around at first, but as soon as she wasn't paying attention—which didn't take long—I left her to keep picking and started going back home.”

Lalli felt the duskling following them, still at a distance, still in the shadows, but close enough that he kept his senses trained on it. If they kept moving it wouldn't be a problem—it was only midday, so the sun would keep it off their trail eventually. But Lalli didn't want to be sloppy as he spun the tale of Tuuri getting lost in the northern woods and Lalli desperately trying to find her before anyone discovered she was lost and he got in trouble for leaving her.

“Y u m y u m!”

Emil stopped and looked over his shoulder. Lalli found himself watching distantly from where he sat in the dreamspace, as if he were outside himself and Emil. Emil's mouth hung open slightly.

“W-what? It’s broad daylight, you’re not supposed to come outside!” cried Emil as the duskling trundled its way through the shadows towards Emil and Lalli’s uncomfortably vulnerable body. Emil scrambled to draw his gun, but the duskling rocketed back as it reached direct sunlight, letting out a cry of pain.

“T o o b r i g h t!”

It peered at them from behind a tree, cautiously shielded from the sun as it continued to whimper out its cry for food.

“A duskling,” said Lalli.

“A what?” asked Emi.

“It’s what I call them. The ones that grow a hide like that,” Lalli explained. “They’re partially protected from the sun, and can start roaming at dusk. I hate them.” A crawling feeling had rooted in Lalli’s stomach, and he sat up straight in response and spoke a little louder, “Chop chop! You need to put as much distance as you can between us and this place before dusk."

Emil picked up the leads for the third time in just a few minutes and once more started down the road.

“I’ll keep my mind’s eye on it, let you know if it tries to creep up on us,” said Lalli, slipping into the concentration that came with using his mage abilities specifically in Emil’s mind. The duskling did continue to follow them, not very subtly, but the sun continued to keep it at a distance. Emil turned back to look at it and the duskling froze, as if the adage “When you encounter a troll, stand still and stay silent—it might go away” applied the other way around.

Before Lalli could react, Emil dropped the leads and drew his rifle, muttering either to himself or to Lalli,

“Or I take care of it now and save us the shenanigans.”

Lalli shot to his feet in panic. “No, _don’t!_ ”

A gunshot shattered the empty silence of Denmark, sending blood and skin scattering across the forest floor. The body of the duskling rolled further into the shadows, and as Emil watched it, a voice called out.

“N o i s e?”

“N o i s e?”

The voices layered on top of one another in dozens, and Lalli’s own fury waged against the panic surging through Emil’s mind.

“Oh,” said Emil, his voice smaller than Lalli had ever heard it.

Dozens of dusklings poured out of the nearby building, giving cries of dismay and delight at their dead companion, devolving into fear at the sight of Emil’s rifle that sent them cowering behind the trees that gave them their protective shade.

“What… What now?” asked Emil, eyes wide.

Lalli’s voice was low and steady. His mind was racing with every precious second that passed, rapidly considering then discarding plan after plan.

“Start. Moving. Now.”

Emil obeyed. “Okay.”

“Fast! Hurry!” Lalli snapped, unable to control his tone any longer. “They’ll come at us soon. Once the shadows become long.”

“How am I supposed to deal with them?!” cried Emil, moving down the road again and glancing over his shoulder.

Lalli sighed and closed his eyes. “When I encounter dusklings, I start running, and then I keep running. Until I’m so far away that they can’t find me. Or until it’s morning and the sun becomes bright again.”

He was furious with Emil. Furious and afraid. If only he’d listened to Lalli, done what he said and kept moving… They were _so close_ to the extraction point, and Lalli knew they wouldn’t make it.

“Well I can’t do any of that!” said Emil.

Lalli opened his eyes and stared softly into the dreamspace fog. His breathing had grown shallow, but still a sense of calm briefly pierced through his mind.

“If it’s the only way… you can leave my body behind. But please put a bullet in my brain, I don’t want to be ripped apart by them.”

“ _Eh?!_ ” cried Emil. “That’s not what I meant! I won’t be able to run from them either way!”

Lalli raised an eyebrow. “Hm, right. You’re bad at running.”

He didn’t know what to do. He felt distant and overwhelmed all at once. There had been problem after problem in the Silent World, and those problems had claimed Tuuri, and now they would claim Lalli, too.

And Emil.

“Okay,” said Emil. His voice carried a sudden steadiness that made Lalli listen intently.

“If we can hold out until morning, we’ll have all day tomorrow to lose them from our tracks?” Emil asked.

“Yeah,” said Lalli.

“We’ll just have to bunker up then.” Emil's tone was low, and Lalli wasn't sure if Emil was speaking to himself or to Lalli. But Lalli couldn't help but feel a flicker of hope, or perhaps wonder, that that might make it through the day alive.

“Mh? Might as well. They’ll catch up with us anyway.”

Emil paused to examine the surrounding houses. “All of these buildings look terrible, though. Do you think they can climb? Maybe we can do without a roof.”

Lalli shook his head. “We need a roof.”

Lalli felt the hoard of dusklings following them as they moved through the remains of the town. His heart hammered, but, for the most part, he felt calm. Lalli cried out as Emil passed by a stable looking house, one that was surprisingly well-preserved, and more importantly, _empty._

“This one! We won’t find better.”

“That one?” asked Emil, pausing to get a better look.

“Sturdy,” said Lalli. He took a deep breath, his first since Emil's disastrous gunshot had racked the Silent World.

It was their only chance.

Emil found his way into the house, deposited Lalli’s body in the back of the centermost room, and immediately went to work. He pulled every piece of furniture he could find and shoved it up against the door, creating a sizable barricade that Lalli thought might keep the dusklings out for a little bit.

He doubted a little bit mattered, though.

“This better hold,” said Emil quietly, as if he were echoing Lalli’s sentiments.

Emil darted through the rest of the house, checking for other potential entrances.

“Bathroom, closet. They can’t get in this way.” He went to the front windows and patted them firmly. “And windows are… thick. Double glass.” Emil stared outside to the setting sun, painting the surrounding forest with dim hues of deep red that were quickly darkening into the soft navy blue of night.

“The shadows have grown long now,” he said softly. Lalli barely responded.

Emil sat down with his back against the wall.

“Do you think they might not even find us?” he asked. Lalli was momentarily distracted from answering as Emil picked up Lalli’s still body and propped it against him, slipping an arm around Lalli’s shoulders. A wave of flush warmth washed over Lalli in response, but he brushed it off with a sharp shake of his head.

“No. They’ll find us,” said Lalli, voice low.

It didn’t take long. They sat in silence together, and Lalli felt the dusklings approaching for several minutes, inching forward bit by bit as the sun sunk below the horizon.

“They found us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh!! We're in the thick of it now, lads!
> 
> I went through a _whole_ process with the duskling dialogue. First I had to figure out how to format it, since they are shown speaking audibly and not like the hypnotic ghost-type dialogue, then I had to figure out what language they're actually speaking, _then_ I had to figure out if Lalli actually _understands_ that language.
> 
> (I decided they're speaking Danish and that, because Emil has to speak out loud to communicate with Lalli while awake, Lalli understands Swedish while in Emil's brain, and thus probably mostly understands the dusklings. If you were wondering.)
> 
> I have almost the rest of this fic drafted--I only have a couple more chapters to go! So I know this fic will be either 16 or 17 chapters long.
> 
> Catch you all next week!


	13. Chapter 13

Lalli could hear the dusklings scrambling and crying at the door, sending the occasional shake through the pile of furniture Emil had assembled. Emil set Lalli’s head gently on the floor and drew himself into a crouch, jaw set and gun drawn. Lalli found himself holding his breath from inside Emil’s mind.

“F o o d! P l e a s e o p e n t h e d o o r!”

“I t ‘ s s o h a r d t o c h e w t h r o u g h!”

“̴̙̍O̷̢̅p̴͕͒e̸̱̿n̶̰͝ ̵̖̾t̶̗̆h̶̗̏e̶̜ ̵̳͠d̸̤͠o̵͓͝o̵̥̓r̶̹͗.̸̨̏”̵̲̈

Lalli sat up straight and took a deep breath in response to the fear driving into Emil’s mind. Emil dropped the rifle and held his hands over his ears, stumbling back slightly.

“Lalli, they’re doing the thing!” he cried.

Lalli was ready. “Do what we practiced, focus on me. One time I found a snake under the porch.” Lalli spoke steadily over the voices he had long since learned to ignore. “And I thought it was dead. Killed by the cats, you know, but—”

Emil looked up and took his hands from his ears. Lalli’s stomach dropped.

“Emil?”

"̶̈́ͅL̶̗̓e̴̹̓t̵̜̚ ̷̧̎u̷͕͗s̵̬̾ ̸̢͂i̵̫̍ṇ̸͒.̷̱͛"̵̼͂

Emil was on his feet. He was walking. Slowly, but he was walking. Lalli stood and planted his feet.

“Hey. Emil.”

Emil didn’t respond.

“Emil! Stop! Now!” Lalli was yelling now. He felt his power surge through him, felt a connection to his gods stronger than he’d had since he’d fought the giant on the ice.

He would _not_ let them take Emil.

“You ugly, stupid _lumps of mold!_ You think you can beat me?” Lalli yelled, the roaring of wind and fire and water rushing in his ears.

Lalli reached out and harnessed Emil’s mind into his hands, reaching, reaching…

Until Emil was there, head between his palms, eyes wide. Lalli held him firmly to the ground, and a wave of relief washed over him at the sight of the Swede staring wildly up at him.

“This works,” said Lalli, a little breathless. “Now you can’t move.”

“Uh, thanks,” said Emil. He continued staring at Lalli, totally still. His face was smooth and warm under Lalli’s hands. His consciousness didn’t twist and turn under Lalli’s grasp—it, _he_ lay there, perfectly still.

Emil spoke again. “But I hope you do realize that we’re very, deeply, _extremely_ vulnerable like this.”

Lalli took in Emil's face and half wished the moment would last longer. But he knew Emil was right.

“If even one of them gets in some way, we’re done for,” said Emil. “Even a rat could come in and chew both of our throats open right now.”

Lalli let a thumb rub absently against Emil’s cheek. He frowned and straightened his spine slightly.

“I need to not be in here,” said Lalli.

Emil’s eyes widened. “Huh? You’ve figured out how to get back into your own head?”

“No,” said Lalli. “I just have to get out, I’ll worry about that after. All I need you to do is _do nothing_ until I’m gone!” His heart hammered in his chest and he tried to drill his one instruction into Emil’s bright sea-blue eyes. “You have to focus on that! Do. _Not._ Move!”

Emil opened his mouth to speak. “I—”

“You _have_ to not be weak!” said Lalli. His voice cracked, and he knew it was time. He let go and began to stand, and Emil let out a cry of protest as he faded back into consciousness and Lalli returned to Emil’s passive dreamspace.

Lalli snatched his cloak off the sofa and darted out of the kitchen. There had to be some way to get out—without help from outside.

He ran through the hallways, exploring the hazy, half-lit layout. The way he’d come in was gone, and he hadn’t exactly expected it to be there. It seemed like some bizarre stroke of fate that Lalli even got into Emil’s mind in the first place.

Lalli felt around the edges of the windows. They didn’t have any sign of opening, and, unlike the window in the kitchen, they looked out onto nondescript blackness. He moved swiftly through the hallways, but each one brought him back around to the same junction in front of the kitchen, where the weird nanny bustled about happily.

_Why can’t the dumb braid guy barge in when he’s wanted for once?_

Lalli’s mind was just about to start spiraling out of control when a tiny sound caught his ear. He turned towards it, and he heard it again.

A dripping.

Lalli dashed towards the sound and glimpsed a slow, but steady, leak of water falling from a trapdoor in the ceiling. Lalli’s eyes widened.

He might make it.

He _had_ to make it.

Lalli searched briefly and found a stepladder around the corner that he placed under the trapdoor. He could almost smell the strange, dry scent of the dreamsea from here.

Lalli opened the door, but before he could do anything it was pushed open by the sheer force of the water above it. The water streamed down onto Lalli and onto the floor, and through his grimace he manipulated the element back into the opening, giving him a clear view of what lay beyond.

The familiar, murky water of the dreamsea.

Lalli swallowed down his fear. There were darker things in the dreamsea, and he had no idea where he was, or how long it would take him to find his way back to his own dreamspace.

But he had to try.

He had to get out of Emil’s head.

Lalli climbed up the stepladder and let the water carry him up the rest of the way. He paused to shut the trap door behind him—he didn’t want to leave any openings in Emil’s mind. After that, he shoved and kicked his way up the roof, eyes wide, heart hammering as he kept his senses alert as he saw the dark creatures wandering the waters above.

He wished he could take a breath.

In one swift movement, Lalli kicked off the chimney of the house and into the greater dreamsea, eyes shut in fear against the monstrosities that could tear him apart in one go if they wanted.

_Don’t notice me! Don’t notice me…_

After what seemed like an eternity of wet darkness and burning lungs, Lalli broke the surface and took a deep, cleansing breath. He was out!

And lost.

He looked around and saw nothing across the placid surface of the dreamsea. He didn’t know which direction to go in, or if he was even anywhere close to safety. If he could get to something to stand on, he could get his bearings, and hopefully find his way back.

“Onni!” Lalli called out, hoping his cousin was close enough to hear him.

Before he could listen for a response, movement in the distance caught his eye. Obscured by the fog of the dreamsea, a red glow moved steadily across the water. Lalli’s heart hammered even harder and he let himself sink a little lower in the water.

New plan: get away.

He swam as quickly and quietly as he could, directly away from the spirit—or rather, spirits—that wandered in the distance. After several minutes he glanced behind him, just in time to see it fade fully into the fog. He relaxed some and continued swimming.

 _Didn’t notice me,_ he thought to himself.

"̷̻̆B̵̺̃u̵͙͐ț̴̊ ̴̻͝I̶̻͂ ̸̟̽n̸͇̅ǒ̷͕t̵͒ͅi̶͔̓c̸̦͂e̸̙͝d̶͍̉ ̷̠y̶͇̽o̸̦͝u̶̟͆,̴͓̕ ̶̡̋l̶̝̃i̷̟̔t̸̜̽ẗ̷̹́l̴̼̋e̴̮̔ ̷͕̄š̵ͅw̷̳̐i̸̭͌m̴͚̔m̸͔͂e̴͉͛r̴͍̄.̴̪̀"̵̟͌

All at once Lalli noticed the presence of a massive beast beneath him, twisted, dark, and malevolent. He tried to swim faster simply on instinct as he cried out.

“Help! Onni! Help!”

The beast rose up above him and Lalli screamed with everything he had. 

“ _HELP!_ ”

A slam of some deformed body part or another shoved Lalli beneath the surface of the water. Lalli reached for the bubbles of air that moved up and away from him and created a space to breathe, however briefly.

"̷̜̚D̴͓͆o̷̼̒n̷̫̓'̶̝̄t̷̥̐ ̵̲͂b̸͍̉o̶̔ͅt̵͉̿h̴̹͊ê̷̥r̶̯̾"̵̳̈

The huge, red eye of what was once a moose peered towards Lalli from the darkness of the water.

"̵̯̀L̷̛͕ȩ̴͐t̴̪̉ ̴͕͂y̸̼͐o̶̰̓ǘ̷̠r̴̨̐s̵̞̈ě̴͚l̴̢f̴͈̽ ̵͍̇d̸̻̏r̷̯o̷̾͜w̶͔̑n̷̹͐.̸̛̦ ̵̤̓Ỉ̷͙t̴̘͗ ̴̟̇ẘ̷͔î̸͔l̸͔̃l̴̫͑ ̷͓͠b̵͍̀e̷͉̍ ̶͕͑f̶̹͠ã̷͕s̸̈ͅt̷̠̅ë̵͕́r̷̪̈.̶̞͋ ̷̟͌Ă̴͜n̵͓͘d̷͓̎ ̸̨͗e̴̟̅a̷͉͊s̸̻͝i̴̱͒ȩ̵̾r̴̹̒.̶̱̒"̶̰

Huge, scaly tentacles wound their way around Lalli and his bubble of safety, steadily crushing the surface of the sanctuary he’d made, until eventually the bubble cracked under the pressure and the coils tightened around Lalli's thin body. He struggled against the beast, but he knew it was too strong for him. He could never face off against something so huge on his own.

"̸̮́Y̵̳͊o̷̘͛ȗ̵̱'̷̣l̷͔̂l̷̛̲ ̷͇̇ẗ̷̲i̵͔̚r̵̳͂e̶̯͂ ̶̣͂s̵̡̆o̶̡͐ô̸̰n̶̢̏ ̷̛̳ẻ̴͕n̸̒ͅó̸̝u̴̹̍g̸̤̉h̶͚͊.̷͙̆"̵͇͊

Lalli continued to fight, struggling physically against the creature and concentrating on his precious little supply of air. His eyes burned with tears and his throat tightened against his instinct.

He’d made it out of Emil’s mind.

Maybe Emil would make it.

He’d done everything he could.

The bubble around Lalli’s head gave a final pop, and Lalli shut his mouth against the grimy water that rushed in to take its place.

_That’s it. I can’t do anything more._

His lungs burned.

_Stupid… Emil._

His lungs burned but he wanted to cry.

_If you had just left me behind on that road you could have gotten away alive._

His body began to beg for breath as the beast pulled him deeper and deeper, farther away from the pervasive light of the dreamsea.

_Stupid, stupid…_

In those last fading glimpses, he saw the outline of the swan of Tuonela. Lalli felt a mixture of bitterness and exhaustion.

And regret.

Lalli’s eyes fell half closed as he waited. That was what it was, now, waiting.

And then Onni was there. Onni was _there,_ in front of him. He met Lalli’s eyes, and though Lalli couldn’t read the expression there, he felt warm and like all the energy had been pulled from his body all at once.

Onni turned as the head of the beast approached. He dealt it a single, massive blow, sending it sprawling and freeing Lalli from its grasp. Lalli was weak and out of breath, but Onni grabbed him by the collar and swam upwards, bursting into his luonto form as he broke the surface.

“Why are you out here?!” shouted Onni. He flew across the dreamsea, high above the reach of the beasts beneath the surface. “You stupid-! Stupid, _stupid_ …”

Onni trailed off, but Lalli wasn’t exactly listening anyway. He shakily clung to Onni’s talons, breathing again, and…

Fuck, he was _alive._

Onni deposited Lalli unceremoniously face-first into a bog on the edge of his dreamspace. Onni landed and returned to his human form. Lalli had just climbed to his feet when Onni dashed to his side, gripped him by the shoulders, and stared urgently into his eyes.

“Where are you?”

Lalli stared at his cousin. He couldn’t explain. He didn’t have the words, let alone the time.

“I don’t really know.” He put a hand on Onni’s wrist, and he tried to be reassuring.

“I have to go,” said Lalli. “My…” He trailed off. He didn’t know what Emil was to him. He didn’t know what he was to Emil. He hoped there was something, hoped there _could be_ something, but…

He _definitely_ didn’t have time to explain that to Onni.

“...friend… is in a bad place. I…” He swallowed hard and let his eyes drop. “I don’t know if we’ll be back.”

Lalli didn’t wait for Onni’s response.

He woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I switched to using cursed text formatting for the spooky troll voices, because italics can only stand for so many things.
> 
> Can y'all believe this shit is canon? What a time to be alive.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _All of a sudden,_  
>  _You changed my mind._  
>  _Pulled back the curtains_  
>  _A little at a time._  
>  -We're Still Here by Sleeping at Last

Lalli opened his eyes to a dim, moldy ceiling. His vision was blurry and his whole body felt achy and weak, but _gods_ , he was _alive_.

Lalli struggled to his feet and slowly began to register his surroundings: an Old World bathroom, and Emil sat perched on the toilet, gun drawn. Lalli stared at him, lungs rasping against the musty air.

Gods, they were _both_ alive.

Emil said something, but his Swedish fell on deaf ears as Lalli doubled over suddenly and vomited onto the decaying carpet. He sat on his hands and knees, panting, while Emil chattered nervously. The dusklings scratched and thumped against the door, their voices muffled and chaotic on the other side. Lalli wiped his mouth and looked around the room. Everything felt unreal and far away, and yet Lalli couldn’t deny the feeling of the rotten rug under his knees.

“Jag gjorde mitt bästa, men vi är lite hörnade,” said Emil. His face was wrapped in a strange expression, one that Lalli didn’t try reading. He had more important things to do—like getting them out of this mess alive.

“Jag har accepterat mitt öde! Försök att göra samma riktigt snabbt om du kan!”

Lalli’s eyes fell on the window, small, high, and narrow. Emil kept talking in a steady stream, voice tight. _What the_ hell _is he saying?_ thought Lalli as he climbed up on his toes to look out the window.

A few dusklings were still climbing into the house—ah, so they’d broken one of the windows—but in a moment the outside would be clear. Lalli turned and caught Emil’s eyes.

“Jag kollade det redan, det är ett nej,” said Emil dryly. Lalli gestured for Emil to come look.

Emil stuck his head out the window and presumably took stock of the same situation Lalli had. He turned back and looked urgently into Lalli’s eyes. Lalli set his jaw, took a moment to drink in that expression, and wriggled out the window.

Lalli landed soundlessly on the ground below. He put his own rifle against the house and held out his hands towards Emil.

Lalli didn’t exactly know what he planned to do, because he certainly had no way of catching Emil. Instead he just sort of awkwardly broke Emil’s fall as he landed heavy and clumsily on the ground. Lalli shouldered his rifle and glanced towards the broken window. There was no sign of the dusklings, but that could change at any moment. Emil climbed to his feet and they took off running without another word.

“Nu då? De får reda på att vi snart är borta! Planen är inte att bara fortsätta springa hela natten, eller hur?” called Emil as they put some distance between themselves and the old world house. Lalli looked at him quizzically. He’d gotten used to understanding Emil’s words.

“Det är det, eller hur!? Jag _sa till_ dig att jag inte kan göra det!”

Lalli continued to watch Emil as they ran, until he didn’t, and his head got fuzzy and his vision went dark and all at once his legs gave out from under him. He flopped down into the tall field grass they’d been running in, body screaming at the impact. Emil rushed back to his side and helped him to his feet, and once Lalli took a moment to grip Emil’s shoulder and steady himself, they took off.

They couldn’t keep running like this. Both of them were exhausted, and there was a long night ahead of them yet. Lalli wracked his brain for ideas, for a plan, but his mind felt fuzzy and his mouth was sour and his boots felt strange and, and, he just couldn’t _think._

It didn’t take long for the dusklings to find them again. Their screeching filled the air, and even if Lalli and Emil could keep ahead of them (which they could not,) their noise would attract every other beast and troll in the area.

Lalli and Emil ran for a few minutes, making their way into a more run-down part of the suburb.

And then something caught Lalli’s mage senses. In the darkness of a large house, still waking up with the setting sun, there was _something._ Big. Lalli’s heart pounded violently.

With hardly a further thought Lalli snatched two explosive charges from Emil’s bandolier and ran towards the house. He lit the charges and tossed them into the doorway while Emil called out in confusion from behind him.

Lalli sprinted back towards Emil and dragged him by the arm.

 _Away, away, away,_ they needed to get _away._

The house exploded into splinters, pushing them slightly forward with the impact as they ran.

“Okej, men _varför?_ ” shouted Emil.

Lalli had stopped listening. His eyes landed on a tall trash can, with a detachable lid, with a _handle._ He knocked it over as Emil continued in a steady stream of Swedish, sounding something in the vicinity of confused, relieved, and very afraid. Lalli climbed into the bin, got himself turned back around, and gestured to Emil.

This might work. There was a very likely chance that this _might_ work.

Emil’s eyebrows raised. “Tyvärr, men jag vill inte dö i en gammal plasthink. Jag vill hellre sticka ut här och möta mitt öde som en ma-auhhhh…” Emil turned and saw what Lalli had been sensing. The dusklings rounded the far corner, giving out gleeful cries as they caught sight of them.

In one swift movement and with far more talking than was necessary, Emil slid into the trash can alongside Lalli. Lalli yanked the lid closed, handle in hand, and was just becoming aware of how _close_ Emil was when the dusklings descended on their little plastic shelter.

“M a d e n e r f a n g e t!”

“M a d f a n g e s!”

The dusklings’ disgusting little claws grappled with the edge of the lid, and Lalli and Emil, both still weak from the days of travel, pulled as hard as they could against the trolls' resistance.

And then there was a cry much, much louder.

They couldn’t see it, but they could hear it, and after a moment of rumbling and rustling the trash can flipped and rolled. Lalli and Emil banged against each other, clinging to the lid, the trash can, each other—anything they could get a grip on. When they finally rolled to a stop Lalli was trying to steady his vision when Emil reached out lightning-fast with his dagger and took out a duskling too stupid to run away. Lalli snatched the lid closed once more, and the giant, which he’d caught only the barest glimpse of, sent a spike directly through the middle of the trash can.

Neither Lalli nor Emil made a sound, but stared wide-eyed as the spike retracted, and slowly, but steadily, their surroundings faded into quiet. A half-eaten duskling dropped onto the trash can, and they both flinched, moving closer, arms nearly entwined as they kept their death grip on the handle of the lid.

The giant continued to munch for minute after agonizing minute, until eventually Lalli and Emil heard the satisfying sound of the creature thumping and sliding away.

Neither of them moved. Lalli stayed pressed up against Emil, and his heart continued to pound slowly long after the giant had left. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Emil, and couldn’t bring himself to move. Emil’s bodily warmth amid the impending Danish cold was far more delicious than any of the cake Lalli had enjoyed in Emil’s dreamspace.

Lalli drank in the comfort of Emil’s presence, a comfort he didn’t know he’d been missing, with their hands tight against each other but gripping the lid just a bit more loosely now. He looked at Emil out of the corner of his eyes. The boy was breathing steadily, sleeping peacefully. Lalli turned his head to face Emil more directly and allowed his eyes to soften. The exhaustion and grime of the days of travel and terror showed much more clearly on Emil’s face in the real world.

_I love you._

The thought caught Lalli by surprise. It forced him into shock, even. He stared at Emil, barely breathing, feeling as if his heart was going to crawl up his throat into his mouth. He instinctively tightened the grip on the handle of the lid, which only made him more aware of Emil’s hand against his. Lalli wasn’t sure if the fact that Emil was sound asleep was a blessing or a curse.

Gods, he hadn’t planned on _this._

Lalli didn’t know how long he lay there, staring at Emil, unsure if he was blind or seeing him for the first time.

It took a while for sleep to take him, but Lalli slipped into its familiar depths without protest. He he needed rest, and any confusing feelings about Emil could wait until he woke up.

And then something else surprised Lalli.

He opened his eyes to a hazy, pastel space. He was in the trash can, and it was still dark and dimly illuminated by the moonlight through the hole above. And Emil was there, awake, surrounded by fluttering red butterflies.

Lalli stared wide-eyed at him, uncomfortably aware of the blush rising to his cheeks, until he could finally look away to examine their strange surroundings.

He hadn’t heard of someone living in a non-mage’s body.

He _definitely_ hadn’t heard of _sharing dreams with a non-mage._

“Okay, I think we’re both asleep right now, and one of us should wake up to make sure the lid is really closed,” said Emil, face as dazed and surprised as Lalli felt.

“Wake up then!” said Lalli, shrugging his shoulders. He didn’t know what nonsense had happened to Emil’s mind, and that worried him a little, but it apparently had its advantages.

“No, by ‘one of us’ I meant _you!_ ” cried Emil. “You’ve been sleeping for days, it’s my turn now! I’m _not_ waking up!”

Lalli let out a huff and glared at Emil, which proved to be a mistake, because the sheer embarrassment that arose yanked Lalli from the dream and back into the waking world.

Emil slept soundly. Lalli was tired, still—he’d been tired for _so long_ —but he couldn’t help but soften at the Swede laying so still and quietly. Lalli listened intently to their surroundings as the hours passed by. He was grateful he had to keep a grip on the trash can lid and cursed his task all at once; he wanted nothing more than to run a soft hand across Emil’s face, to smooth his ridiculous golden hair.

But he couldn’t. Not now.

Lalli swallowed a lump in his throat and closed his eyes briefly.

What would he do if Emil didn’t feel the same?

Lalli pushed the thought away as soon as it arose. He would deal with that later. For now, they still had to get to the extraction point. They were close, very close.

Getting out alive, that was the first step.

Then...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! I had perfectly hellish weekend, so I gave myself permission to post late this week. We're in the home stretch--only two chapters left!
> 
> Lalli's self-confession came as a total surprise to me when I was writing this chapter! He's proving just a little smarter than I gave him credit for.


End file.
